Just a burrito

At nap time, as I tuck in Thing Two,
Me: I love you, boy.
Thing Two: But I'm just a burrito.

Baby Candace

Thing Two: If we have a girl, we could name her Candace (the same name as our neighbor) and then Candace would say, 'Hello, Candace," and baby Candace would say [insert screechy baby impersonation], "Hello, Candace."

Not waste my time

Thing One: Mom, can you not waste my time while I go to the bathroom?

We all had to change socks

The boys went to play at the neighbors' house yesterday. Within 3 minutes of their arrival, Thing One tells this story.

Thing One (to the neighbor lady): Today Thing Two pooed on the potty and he standed up to get toilet paper and when he standed up some poo fell off his butt onto the floor and then someone stepped in it but we didn't know who so we all had to change socks.

Needs to rest

Thing Two: Papa needs to come over and lay down on the couch and watch a movie so that he can rest and his eye will get better.

Star Wars lingo

A lot of Star Wars lingo is (mis)repeated while the boys are playing. Including these phrases, usually shouted by Thing One and echoed by Thing Two:

When someone is being chased and can't get away, Thing One: "I can't shape them! I can't shape them!" Thing Two: "I can't shape them! I can't shape them!"

When the group has completed their task, Thing One: "Mission: Assessed!" Thing Two: "Mission: Assessed!"

When I grow up

Thing Two: When I grow up, I going to have a REAL lightsaber and reach the orange juice and drive a car!

Sarcastic

On Wednesday, Thing One asked, "What is 'sarcastic?' " I explained that it is when you say something that is the opposite of what you mean, like when something bad happens and you say, "Oh, great!" The next day, I made a new cookie recipe.

Thing One: These are the worst cookies I've ever had.
Me (playing along, I thought): Yes, they are. You probably shouldn't eat any more. You should just leave them to Mom to eat. Yuck!
Thing One (sighing): Mom! I'm being sarcastic.

Other guy

When Dale and Erin were visiting,
Thing Two: Dale? Other Guy? Come here!

Dave a girl

Thing Two: Say, 'Dave a girl.'
Me: What? Dave's a girl?
Thing Two: No! Dave a guy!

The importance of the hyphen

During a cleaning session, Dapper Dad lifted the recliner and was feeling around to get toys out from under it. He inadvertently put his hand in kitty throw up. He was so grossed out that he tipped the recliner all the way over so that it was upside down so that he could hurry to run and wash his hands. That's when he spotted a long-missing Star Wars guy tangled in the underside of the recliner. During the ensuing celebration, he left the room to wash.

Thing One (to me): Wow! Daddy's a good-looking guy!
Me (to Dapper Dad): That's random. Thing One thinks you're good-looking.
Dapper Dad: I think he means that I'm a good looking guy.
Me: That does make more sense.

Thankful

Thing One: Mom? What are you thankful for?
Me: My family. You boys and Daddy.
Thing One: I'm thankful for snowmen that fight in wars.
Thing Two: I thankful that kitty not named Cow.

Rock-a-bye, Bubba

Thing Two (softly singing, while lying in bed at bedtime):
Rock-a-bye, Bubba. It time to go to sleep.
Rock-a-bye, Bubba. It time for sleep now.
Rock-a-bye, little Bubba. It time for you to shut your mouth.
Rock-a-bye, little Bubba. It time for you to sleep.
(little rock-out, jam session here) Go to sleep! Go to sleep! It bed time!
(and softly again) Rock-a-bye, little Bubba. It time to go to sleep.

Shitty blanket

Thing Two woke up Dapper Dad the other day, while kitty was laying on him.
Thing Two: Why Shitty sleep on you?
Dapper Dad: I guess Kitty is cold.
Thing Two runs out of the room and comes back with comforter from his bed.
Thing Two: Here you go, Shitty. Here a blanket for you. Shitty can lay here.

A long time ago

We came across a picture of the Lincoln Memorial in a book.
Thing Two: That guy dead?
Me: Yes. He died a long, long time ago.
Thing Two: When Daddy live with Dale?

This not meat

Me: Eat your meat.
Thing Two: This not meat. This meatBALLS. But not meat.

Settling an argument

Dapper Dad was creating coffee and playing "Singin' in the Rain" on the iPod as the boys danced in the living room. At the end of the song in the movie, a police officer stares at Gene Kelly as he sheepishly walks away at the end of the dance. At the end of the song in our house, I heard:

Thing 2: No, Bubba, no, Bubba, NOOOOO! I not the peace-man! I not the peace-man! I not the peace-man! I am ... I am ... I am ... !

Thing 1: I'm Gene Kelly.

Thing 2: NO! I'm Gene Kelly! You the peace-man! I'm Gene Kelly!

Dapper Dad: BOYS! KNOCK IT OFF! YOU CAN BOTH BE GENE KELLY!

Candy chatter

Thing Two has a bag of Sour Patch Kids, Dapper Dad's favorite candy.

Thing Two: I going to save these. I going to share these with Daddy, Mommy and Bubba. (Insert about a minute of chatter, while he holds the bag.) I going to just have one, then save them for Daddy. (chomp, another minute of chatter) I going to have a green one for my second one. (chomp, chatter) I going to save the (chomp) Sour Patch Kids (gulp) for Daddy. Here a red one for you, Mommy. You like red Sour Patch Kids? (chomp) I have a yellow one for Daddy and a yellow one for me. (chomp, chomp) Here a green one for you. You have a red one and a green one. (chomp) Daddy likes yellow and orange. (chomp) This one for kitty. (chatter) I eat this one because kitty not in Mommy and Daddy's room. I eatin' it. (chomp)

Me: What are you doing?

Thing Two: I eat one more. Then I going to save for kitty, Mommy, Daddy and Bubba.

Haircut

I cut everyone's hair with a razor the other day.
Thing One (crying): I don't like this! I would rather be dying than have a haircut with that thing!

Dirty rat

The boys, holding a toy block: Can we throw this away?
Me: No. Why?
Thing One: It has a dirty rat on it.
Me: What are you talking about?
Thing Two: This (points to an outline of a mouse).
Me: No. We're not going to start throwing away toys. If we throw away the toys we won't have any toys left to play with.
Thing Two: Can we die the dirty rat with that purple thing? (Translation: Can we kill the picture of the mouse on our block with the fly swatter?)