Not today

Thing One: Mom. There's blood on my finger.
Me: Oh yeah. It looks like you ripped your fingernail. Do you remember doing that -- bumping it hard on something and thinking, 'that hurt'?
Thing One: Am I gonna die? Am I gonna die?

Dazzle them with milk

Thing One: There was a guy at our school who put milk in his mouth and it came out his ear. I gotta learn how to do that.
Me: He was probably a magician, and that was a trick.
Thing One: He was bald.

Just a taste

Thing One (while making squash chips with me): Can I taste this flour?
Me: Yes.
Thing One: It's not poisoned flour?

Red herring

Dapper Dad (while looking for the TV remote): There it is! Oh, no. That's a gourd.