Joe Nathan blew it

After Joe Nathan blew a save against the A's, Thing One gets on his pretend telephone.
Me: Who are you calling?
Thing One: Daddy. (in a grouchy voice, into the phone) Joe Nathan hit a guy and blew it! (back to me) Daddy's going to call Joe Nathan and tell him.

Lost?

Me: Where's Thing Two?
Thing One: I don't know. Maybe in my bedroom. I hear his collar.
Me: That's Kitty.
Thing One: Oh.

Can we make a dugout?

Thing One: Can we make a dugout in our yard?
Me: We can't make a dugout because we don't have a baseball diamond back there.
Thing One: Well, we could get some balls and get some bats. We could get one more person, and that person could be the umpire. Mommy could be the hitter. Daddy could be the pitcher, and I could be the catcher.
Me: And then we could build a dugout?
Thing One: Yeah. Out of blankets and we could bring a whole big chair out and we could bring soft comfy blankets and we could have a hard surface so if we sit on it so we wouldn't zoom way down there under the seats or the people would just fall right out. And those things that would just hold it up, we could just get little bars maybe made out of pots or a stack of books. Don't you think that's a good idea?
Me: Yes.
Thing One: Okay. Let's do it after supper. We could ring the neighbors' doorbell and ask them if they want to watch our baseball game, and if they say "no," we'd just go the next ones. Let's do it after supper.

Moldy

After Thing Two takes off his shirt, notices his belly button and sticks his finger in it, he wants to see my belly.
Thing One (upon seeing my belly): Ewwww. It's moldy.

Ball of fire

Thing One: If I were a big ball of fire, would fire come out my butt when I poo?

Bam them or wham them

Halfway through Laurel & Hardy's Way Out West,
Thing One (with his hands clenched into fists): I don't want to watch anymore.
Me: Why?
Thing One: They're being loud and they're going to wake up that sleeping guy and the sleeping guy has something big and he might bam them or wham them.

Very fast

After watching Usain Bolt break the world record for the 200m dash,
Me: He broke the world record. That means he ran faster than anyone has ever run that before.
Thing One: I can run that fast.
Me: You can?
Thing One: I'm a very fast runner.

From the archives ...

Conversation the morning of May 7, while I was at school and after Thing One had just gotten up,
Thing One: I tell Mommy my school is in Oklahoma, so she'll sing that silly song. (indeed, she does sing a showtune whenever the state is mentioned)
Dapper Dad: DON'T do that. We're trying to cut down on Mommy's silly songs.
Thing One: You don't like silly songs?
Dapper Dad: Not really.
Thing One: Do all mommies sing silly songs?
Dapper Dad: No, just your mommy.
Thing One: Why just my mommy?
Dapper Dad: I guess she's just special that way.
Thing One: Why don't you like special things?
Dapper Dad: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ... Go to bed.

Coke

Thing One: Mom, can I have a big bowl of Coke?

Fake crying

In their beds in the morning with no one else around,
Thing Two: Aaaaaaahhh.
Thing One: (in a teasing voice): You're just fake crying.
Thing Two: Aaaaaaahhh.
Thing One: You're just fake crying.
Thing Two: Aaaaaaahhh. (starts to laugh)
Thing One: You're just fake laughing.

Who would win?

An ongoing discussion at our house is "who would win a battle between," with it a given that each competitor uses his natural weapon.

Thing One: Who would win between Count Dooku and General Grievous?
Dapper Dad: Count Dooku. Who would win between Mace Windoo and Ki-Adi-Mundi?
Thing One: Mace Windoo. Who would win between Grito and General Grievous?
Dapper Dad: That's easy. General Grievous.
Me: Definitely.
Thing One: Why?
Me: Because he's really tough. Who would win between The Emperor and Darth Vader?
Thing One: I think Darth Vader. Who would win between the Emperor and the Umpire?

Me!

At the lunch table,
Dapper Dad (slowly): Whooo wants tooooo--
Thing Two: Me!

Just a boy

Thing One: I'm going to Java Train.
Me: Okay. See you later.
Thing One: You're coming with me. I can't drive. I'm just a boy.

My bestest boy

Thing One: Thing Two is the best boy in the whole world. He's my really best boy. My bestest boy I ever had in the whole world. I ever had at any time.
Me: Why is he your bestest boy?
Thing One: Because I like him and he does everything in the whole wide world I like him to do. You just ask too many questions, Mom.

The forever Band-Aid

After a skinned knee and a half an hour of crying topped off with a Spiderman Band-Aid,
Thing One: I'm NEVER taking this Band-Aid off. (He's afraid of the pain)
Me: Not even when you're a grown up?
Thing One: Never.
Me: So, you'll be grown up and have kids of your own and you'll still have this Band-Aid on?
Thing One: Yes. (In an modulated voice) "Dad, how'd you get your Band-Aid?" "I don't know."

Me!

During the Twins game,
Things One: The score is two to zero.
Me: Who has two?
Thing One: Minnesota.
Thing Two (raising hand): Me!

Scratch

After noticing a long scratch between Thing One's nose and lip,
Me: How did you get that scratch under your nose? Do you remember hurting it?
Thing One: It's just the guys that control my nose.

Give you a baby

On having babies ...
Me: If you want a baby you can have one, and if you don't want to have a baby you don't have to have one.
Thing One: Ohhhhh. So, if you want a baby they'll give you one, and if you don't want a baby they won't give you one.

Who wants to take a bath?

Thing One (excitedly): Who wants to take a bath?
Thing Two (not quite 16 months old, raises his hand while running to the bathroom): Me!

Every time you see a rainbow

With Thing One sitting on the big potty and company waiting in the living room,
Me: Are you done?
Thing One (slowly singing, while possibly also composing): People love rainbows all the time. On this rainbow, they're just black and brown and dark and light. Yes, I am. Yes, I am. Every time you're watching, every time you look, then there's always a rainbow. Every time you stop then you'll see a rainbow. Every time you hear a sound, you'll know it's someone looking at the rainbow.

All the babies in the world

Thing One: I want ALL the babies in the world to come over to my house. I'd like to play and have fun with them. Each baby could go in Thing Two's bed. Do you think he would wake up and see all the babies over him? Do you think he would know their names? Would their moms and dads be there? Do you want to have all the babies in the world over?

Saving room

Thing Two wanted to eat crackers after lunch. Thing One had just finished eating his lunch (with much prodding).

Thing One: I want some crackers, too.
Me: But you were so full after your lunch that you couldn't finish your fruit. So I don't think you'd have room for crackers.
Thing One: I was saving room for treats.

These gummy balls

While showing Thing Two how to feed "gummy balls" (plastic ball-pit balls) to the hippopotamus puppet,
Thing One: These gummy balls are filled with chocolate, brownies and frosting. They have FROSTing in them!

I really, really like you

To Thing Two,

Thing One: I really, really like you, and I want to have fun with you and play with you every day!

Ten hours later ...

After Thing Two flung himself wildly about the couch during storytime and the boys clunked heads rather hard and amid the tears,

Thing One: I am NOT going to read books with you anymore! And I'm NOT going to share with you! And I'm NOT going to play with you again!

Break the sky

Thing One: Can you break the sky?
Dapper Dad: No. You can't break the sky.
Thing One: Why?
Dapper Dad: The sky is air. There's nothing there to break. It's like waving your hand in front of your face. There's nothing to break.
Thing One: Oh. Why?

The conversation continues like this through a discussion of carbon dioxide and oxygen and rainbows. Finally ...

Thing One: It's like you can't break clouds?
Dapper Dad: You can break up clouds, but you can't break air and you can't break wind. (pause) Well, YOU can break wind. I can't.

Me!

While eating chocolate popcorn,
Thing One: Who likes chocolate popcorn?
Me: Me.
Thing One: Me, too! Raise your hand if you like chocolate popcorn! Who likes it?
Me (raising hand): Me.
Thing One (raising hand): Me.
Thing Two (raising hand): Me! (the first time he's ever said "me")

Fasket catch

While excitedly watching the Twins game on TV,
Thing One: He made a fasket catch!
Me: Do you mean a basket catch?
Thing One: No, a fasket catch. He caught the ball and everyone was really happy.

Landscaping

Thing One to Thing Two while cramming baby Crocs on his feet: We're going landscaping. You have to put on your shoes.