Warning: Star Wars spoiler alert!

While playing with his Star Wars guys,
Thing One: Can Anakin fight Darth Vader?
Me: Sure.
Thing One: But Anakin IS Darth Vader!
Me: Oh. Then, I guess, no.
Thing One: We'll they're fighting now!

Bakery

Thing One and I were joking about kitty's laziness by making up things that he *does* around the house. I said that kitty got a job, works hard, makes money, pays for the house, buys all our clothes, buys all the groceries and cooks our meals.
Thing One: Yeah! And he goes to the bakery!
Me: Yes, he does.
Thing One: And buys the bacon!

Poo!

Thing Two brings a Mr. Potato Head to me while I'm sorting laundry.
Thing Two: Poo. (pronounced PEW)
I examine the boy and find no telltale stench coming from the diaper. He hands me the Mr. Potato Head and points to the door on the backside.
Thing Two: Poo.
I shake it and hear potato-head pieces rattling inside. I open the door for him.
Thing Two (excitedly): Poo!

Robots

Thing One: I need to turn everyone who hasn't died into robots.
Me: Why?
Thing One: So they'll never die. Because robots don't die. Until the metal gets old.

Dance instruction

Thing One (to Dapper Dad): You dance like a ballet person. I'm going to dance like a crazy General Grievous.

Dale's neighborhood

On vacation, we passed a house near Dale where the roof is a hyperbolic parabaloid.
Thing One (upon seeing the house): What's with that funky little house?

Bob?

Thing Two (talking about Bob the Builder): Baaaaah Badoodoo!

Bama!

Any time Barack Obama's name is mentioned on TV,
Thing Two: Bama!

Your president

Me: Barack Obama is going to be your president.
Thing One: Not mine.
Me: Who's going to be your president?
Thing One: John McCain!

Election!

Thing One (to me): Are you going to cry because you're so happy?
Me: Maybe a little bit.
Thing One: Yes!

Christmas list

I asked Thing One if there was anything he wanted for Christmas (we had to know for a family drawing). After a few seconds of careful consideration,
Thing One: A laundry basket. Paper.
Me: Paper? Like, to color on?
Thing One: Yes. A little toyhouse.
Me: Like in Goodnight, Moon?
Thing One: Yes. And a new coffee cup. For you!

Election

Thing One: I want to be vice president.
Me: Well, how are you going to get started?
Thing One: You can get started for me.
Me: How will I do that?
Thing One: You get a microphone. And then we can turn the light on outside so that people will come. We could call Nana and Papa to come.
Me: What will you do when the people come?
Thing One: They could vote in here. We could live at Nana and Papa's house.
Me: Why would we live at Nana and Papa's house?
Thing One: So that people could vote here.

Going to work

Dapper Dad is back at work after a long vacation.
Thing One (to me): Do you know why I go downstairs all the time?
Me: No.
Thing One: I want to go to work with Daddy every day. That way I wouldn't have to call him all the time.
Me: What would you do at work with Daddy?
Thing One: I'd stand next to him, and we'd have fun together.

A good day

After his flu shot, Thing One wouldn't take his Band-Aid off, insisting that it fall off on its own. Four days later, while on vacation,

Thing One: My Tazmanian Devil Band-Aid fell off at Dale's house! This is a good day!

When I die ...

On vacation, running up to Grandpa,

Thing One (in a sing-song voice): When I die, you'll already be died.

Urgent question

Thing One walks out of the bathroom after doing his business, wearing just his underwear and holding his pants.
Thing One: Mom? I haven't washed yet, but I'm just wondering why you can't see very, very good when you come out of the carbonite (á la Han Solo in Return of the Jedi)?

Some vice

Thing One: Mom, can you get me some vice?
Me: Why?
Thing One: I want to be vice president.

Debate

Thing One (upon learning that we were watching the presidential debate rather than the vice-presidential debate): I want to watch the other two!

Henry's new family

After telling Thing One that his friend, Henry, would be a big brother because his mommy has a baby in her belly,
Thing One: Will Henry get new parents?
Me: No. It's just like you, when we had baby Thing Two, we were still your mom and dad.
Thing One: Oh. Will Henry live in a different house?

I didn't hear you

I told the boys to pick out books to read before bedtime. But everyone got sidetracked playing baseball with Dapper Dad instead.

Thing One (while finally getting in his jammies): Mommy, when you told me to pick out books, I didn't hear you because someone hitted the ball so HARD!

(pause)

Don't tell Daddy.

Making up

There was a small scuffle in the bath over the use of some bath toys the other night. Much to my surprise, a mere three minutes later I hear:
Thing One: We're brothers, Thing Two. And we're buddies! This is so fun, Thing Two. We're having a good time!

Pledge of Allegiance

At preschool, they're learning the Pledge of Allegiance. I forgot about that until I heard this while Thing One was building a puzzle:
Thing One: I pledge allegiance to the flag from the United States to America.

New words

Thing Two learned four new words today: "apple," "bee," "please" and "butt."

Curly hair

After the second day of preschool,
Thing One: Mom, can Viviana come live with us?
Me: Who's Viviana?
Thing One: She has curly hair and she wears a ponytail, just like you.

Newspaper

While wrapping a gift in newspaper,
Thing One: Is this Daddy's newspaper?
Me: Yes.
Thing One: Is he done working on it?

Garbage lid thud

I heard the tell-tale thud of the kitchen garbage can lid. Knowing that Thing Two (18 months) was the only one in there, I checked to see what he had thrown away. It was a small piece of plastic that came from a roll of crackers. Apparently, he was done eating his crackers (he has an $18,000-dollar-a-day cracker habit) and knew where the garbage was supposed to go.

Bad-guy math

Thing One: What would happen if you have a bad guy robbing a train on a horse and behind him there was another bad guy on a horse?
Me: I don't know.
Thing One: Well, he wouldn't shoot the other guy because they're both bad guys.
Apparently, two bad guys cancel each other out, dangerwise.

Me!

While picking up a Darth Vader toy out of the Star Wars bin,
Thing Two: Me! (to the Imperial Theme from Star Wars) Dun dun dun dun da-dun dun da-dun.

Grendering

Thing One: Next time we make tacos, can I grender the cheese?

Civil engineering

Thing One built an elaborate train track around the floor of his room. He gave Dapper Dad the tour of it, including an explanation for several open spaces for Thing Two to sit among the track and play without knocking the track apart.
Thing One: ... and these are butt holes for Thing Two.

Making money

At our favorite coffee shop, they have candy machines that take quarters. Naturally, Thing One needs to spend quarters at the machines because his friend gets to. After Auntie gave Thing One a dollar for making change,

Thing One (handing the dollar to the barista behind the counter): I need four dollars.

Me!

At supper,
Thing One: Who wants to eat broccoli?
Thing Two (raising his hand): Me!
Me: Me!
Thing One coughs with a tiny bite of salt-covered broccoli in his mouth.
Thing One: Who wants to choke on salt?
Thing Two (raising his hand): Me!

See my vest?

Me: Is there anything you want me to knit for you?
Thing One: Five vests.
Me: Would you actually wear a vest if I made one?
Thing One: What do you do with a vest?

From the archives ...

The day after Christmas 2007, Thing One and I played with his new Star Wars guys. He wanted to be the bad guys, so I was the good guys. We sat in opposite corners of the room plotting how to "get" the other group. I made plans aloud to infiltrate the bad guys and rescue R2, then I paused to hear how he was plotting. He was holding Darth Vader and R2-D2 facing each other.
Vader: What are you going to be for Halloween?
R2-D2: A bad guy. What are you going to be for Halloween?
Vader: A robot.

Certain parties

After Dapper Dad dripped water on the table while mathematically divvying up the raspberries at lunch,
Thing One: Certain parties made a mess on the table!

I love your hair

While trimming Thing One's hair,
Me: Did you know you have great hair?
Thing One: Yes.
Me: You do. I like your hair.
Thing One: I love your hair. I love your ponytail. I love your face. I love all your body parts. I love you.

Glasses?

Thing One: Is I'm going to have glasses when I grow up?
Me: Probably.
Thing One: Because Grandpa didn't have glasses when he was a little boy and then he got glasses when he was bigger.
Me: That's right. How did you know that? Did he tell you?
Thing One: I saw pictures of him when he was a boy and he didn't have glasses. (on the photo boards at Great-Grandpa's funeral)

First day of preschool

Thing One explained how he played with six other kids and how they thought he was a pirate, but he really was a monster.
Me: Were they girls AND boys?
Thing One: Some of them were.

Trying to cheer up

After Great-Grandpa died last Tuesday, I was trying to explain death to Thing One.
Thing One: Why you have tears coming out your eyes?
Me: I liked Great-Grandpa a lot. I thought he was real swell. And I'm sad I can't talk to him anymore. And Great-Grandma is sad because Great-Grandpa was her husband. And Grandpa is sad because Great-Grandpa was his daddy.
Thing One (after a pause, as if to process that): I'm going to make cards for Great-Grandma and Grandpa.
Then he ran off to his art table to get started right away.

Joe Nathan blew it

After Joe Nathan blew a save against the A's, Thing One gets on his pretend telephone.
Me: Who are you calling?
Thing One: Daddy. (in a grouchy voice, into the phone) Joe Nathan hit a guy and blew it! (back to me) Daddy's going to call Joe Nathan and tell him.

Lost?

Me: Where's Thing Two?
Thing One: I don't know. Maybe in my bedroom. I hear his collar.
Me: That's Kitty.
Thing One: Oh.

Can we make a dugout?

Thing One: Can we make a dugout in our yard?
Me: We can't make a dugout because we don't have a baseball diamond back there.
Thing One: Well, we could get some balls and get some bats. We could get one more person, and that person could be the umpire. Mommy could be the hitter. Daddy could be the pitcher, and I could be the catcher.
Me: And then we could build a dugout?
Thing One: Yeah. Out of blankets and we could bring a whole big chair out and we could bring soft comfy blankets and we could have a hard surface so if we sit on it so we wouldn't zoom way down there under the seats or the people would just fall right out. And those things that would just hold it up, we could just get little bars maybe made out of pots or a stack of books. Don't you think that's a good idea?
Me: Yes.
Thing One: Okay. Let's do it after supper. We could ring the neighbors' doorbell and ask them if they want to watch our baseball game, and if they say "no," we'd just go the next ones. Let's do it after supper.

Moldy

After Thing Two takes off his shirt, notices his belly button and sticks his finger in it, he wants to see my belly.
Thing One (upon seeing my belly): Ewwww. It's moldy.

Ball of fire

Thing One: If I were a big ball of fire, would fire come out my butt when I poo?

Bam them or wham them

Halfway through Laurel & Hardy's Way Out West,
Thing One (with his hands clenched into fists): I don't want to watch anymore.
Me: Why?
Thing One: They're being loud and they're going to wake up that sleeping guy and the sleeping guy has something big and he might bam them or wham them.

Very fast

After watching Usain Bolt break the world record for the 200m dash,
Me: He broke the world record. That means he ran faster than anyone has ever run that before.
Thing One: I can run that fast.
Me: You can?
Thing One: I'm a very fast runner.

From the archives ...

Conversation the morning of May 7, while I was at school and after Thing One had just gotten up,
Thing One: I tell Mommy my school is in Oklahoma, so she'll sing that silly song. (indeed, she does sing a showtune whenever the state is mentioned)
Dapper Dad: DON'T do that. We're trying to cut down on Mommy's silly songs.
Thing One: You don't like silly songs?
Dapper Dad: Not really.
Thing One: Do all mommies sing silly songs?
Dapper Dad: No, just your mommy.
Thing One: Why just my mommy?
Dapper Dad: I guess she's just special that way.
Thing One: Why don't you like special things?
Dapper Dad: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ... Go to bed.

Coke

Thing One: Mom, can I have a big bowl of Coke?

Fake crying

In their beds in the morning with no one else around,
Thing Two: Aaaaaaahhh.
Thing One: (in a teasing voice): You're just fake crying.
Thing Two: Aaaaaaahhh.
Thing One: You're just fake crying.
Thing Two: Aaaaaaahhh. (starts to laugh)
Thing One: You're just fake laughing.

Who would win?

An ongoing discussion at our house is "who would win a battle between," with it a given that each competitor uses his natural weapon.

Thing One: Who would win between Count Dooku and General Grievous?
Dapper Dad: Count Dooku. Who would win between Mace Windoo and Ki-Adi-Mundi?
Thing One: Mace Windoo. Who would win between Grito and General Grievous?
Dapper Dad: That's easy. General Grievous.
Me: Definitely.
Thing One: Why?
Me: Because he's really tough. Who would win between The Emperor and Darth Vader?
Thing One: I think Darth Vader. Who would win between the Emperor and the Umpire?

Me!

At the lunch table,
Dapper Dad (slowly): Whooo wants tooooo--
Thing Two: Me!

Just a boy

Thing One: I'm going to Java Train.
Me: Okay. See you later.
Thing One: You're coming with me. I can't drive. I'm just a boy.

My bestest boy

Thing One: Thing Two is the best boy in the whole world. He's my really best boy. My bestest boy I ever had in the whole world. I ever had at any time.
Me: Why is he your bestest boy?
Thing One: Because I like him and he does everything in the whole wide world I like him to do. You just ask too many questions, Mom.

The forever Band-Aid

After a skinned knee and a half an hour of crying topped off with a Spiderman Band-Aid,
Thing One: I'm NEVER taking this Band-Aid off. (He's afraid of the pain)
Me: Not even when you're a grown up?
Thing One: Never.
Me: So, you'll be grown up and have kids of your own and you'll still have this Band-Aid on?
Thing One: Yes. (In an modulated voice) "Dad, how'd you get your Band-Aid?" "I don't know."

Me!

During the Twins game,
Things One: The score is two to zero.
Me: Who has two?
Thing One: Minnesota.
Thing Two (raising hand): Me!

Scratch

After noticing a long scratch between Thing One's nose and lip,
Me: How did you get that scratch under your nose? Do you remember hurting it?
Thing One: It's just the guys that control my nose.

Give you a baby

On having babies ...
Me: If you want a baby you can have one, and if you don't want to have a baby you don't have to have one.
Thing One: Ohhhhh. So, if you want a baby they'll give you one, and if you don't want a baby they won't give you one.

Who wants to take a bath?

Thing One (excitedly): Who wants to take a bath?
Thing Two (not quite 16 months old, raises his hand while running to the bathroom): Me!

Every time you see a rainbow

With Thing One sitting on the big potty and company waiting in the living room,
Me: Are you done?
Thing One (slowly singing, while possibly also composing): People love rainbows all the time. On this rainbow, they're just black and brown and dark and light. Yes, I am. Yes, I am. Every time you're watching, every time you look, then there's always a rainbow. Every time you stop then you'll see a rainbow. Every time you hear a sound, you'll know it's someone looking at the rainbow.

All the babies in the world

Thing One: I want ALL the babies in the world to come over to my house. I'd like to play and have fun with them. Each baby could go in Thing Two's bed. Do you think he would wake up and see all the babies over him? Do you think he would know their names? Would their moms and dads be there? Do you want to have all the babies in the world over?

Saving room

Thing Two wanted to eat crackers after lunch. Thing One had just finished eating his lunch (with much prodding).

Thing One: I want some crackers, too.
Me: But you were so full after your lunch that you couldn't finish your fruit. So I don't think you'd have room for crackers.
Thing One: I was saving room for treats.

These gummy balls

While showing Thing Two how to feed "gummy balls" (plastic ball-pit balls) to the hippopotamus puppet,
Thing One: These gummy balls are filled with chocolate, brownies and frosting. They have FROSTing in them!

I really, really like you

To Thing Two,

Thing One: I really, really like you, and I want to have fun with you and play with you every day!

Ten hours later ...

After Thing Two flung himself wildly about the couch during storytime and the boys clunked heads rather hard and amid the tears,

Thing One: I am NOT going to read books with you anymore! And I'm NOT going to share with you! And I'm NOT going to play with you again!

Break the sky

Thing One: Can you break the sky?
Dapper Dad: No. You can't break the sky.
Thing One: Why?
Dapper Dad: The sky is air. There's nothing there to break. It's like waving your hand in front of your face. There's nothing to break.
Thing One: Oh. Why?

The conversation continues like this through a discussion of carbon dioxide and oxygen and rainbows. Finally ...

Thing One: It's like you can't break clouds?
Dapper Dad: You can break up clouds, but you can't break air and you can't break wind. (pause) Well, YOU can break wind. I can't.

Me!

While eating chocolate popcorn,
Thing One: Who likes chocolate popcorn?
Me: Me.
Thing One: Me, too! Raise your hand if you like chocolate popcorn! Who likes it?
Me (raising hand): Me.
Thing One (raising hand): Me.
Thing Two (raising hand): Me! (the first time he's ever said "me")

Fasket catch

While excitedly watching the Twins game on TV,
Thing One: He made a fasket catch!
Me: Do you mean a basket catch?
Thing One: No, a fasket catch. He caught the ball and everyone was really happy.

Landscaping

Thing One to Thing Two while cramming baby Crocs on his feet: We're going landscaping. You have to put on your shoes.