The importance of the hyphen

During a cleaning session, Dapper Dad lifted the recliner and was feeling around to get toys out from under it. He inadvertently put his hand in kitty throw up. He was so grossed out that he tipped the recliner all the way over so that it was upside down so that he could hurry to run and wash his hands. That's when he spotted a long-missing Star Wars guy tangled in the underside of the recliner. During the ensuing celebration, he left the room to wash.

Thing One (to me): Wow! Daddy's a good-looking guy!
Me (to Dapper Dad): That's random. Thing One thinks you're good-looking.
Dapper Dad: I think he means that I'm a good looking guy.
Me: That does make more sense.

Thankful

Thing One: Mom? What are you thankful for?
Me: My family. You boys and Daddy.
Thing One: I'm thankful for snowmen that fight in wars.
Thing Two: I thankful that kitty not named Cow.

Rock-a-bye, Bubba

Thing Two (softly singing, while lying in bed at bedtime):
Rock-a-bye, Bubba. It time to go to sleep.
Rock-a-bye, Bubba. It time for sleep now.
Rock-a-bye, little Bubba. It time for you to shut your mouth.
Rock-a-bye, little Bubba. It time for you to sleep.
(little rock-out, jam session here) Go to sleep! Go to sleep! It bed time!
(and softly again) Rock-a-bye, little Bubba. It time to go to sleep.

Shitty blanket

Thing Two woke up Dapper Dad the other day, while kitty was laying on him.
Thing Two: Why Shitty sleep on you?
Dapper Dad: I guess Kitty is cold.
Thing Two runs out of the room and comes back with comforter from his bed.
Thing Two: Here you go, Shitty. Here a blanket for you. Shitty can lay here.

A long time ago

We came across a picture of the Lincoln Memorial in a book.
Thing Two: That guy dead?
Me: Yes. He died a long, long time ago.
Thing Two: When Daddy live with Dale?

This not meat

Me: Eat your meat.
Thing Two: This not meat. This meatBALLS. But not meat.

Settling an argument

Dapper Dad was creating coffee and playing "Singin' in the Rain" on the iPod as the boys danced in the living room. At the end of the song in the movie, a police officer stares at Gene Kelly as he sheepishly walks away at the end of the dance. At the end of the song in our house, I heard:

Thing 2: No, Bubba, no, Bubba, NOOOOO! I not the peace-man! I not the peace-man! I not the peace-man! I am ... I am ... I am ... !

Thing 1: I'm Gene Kelly.

Thing 2: NO! I'm Gene Kelly! You the peace-man! I'm Gene Kelly!

Dapper Dad: BOYS! KNOCK IT OFF! YOU CAN BOTH BE GENE KELLY!

Candy chatter

Thing Two has a bag of Sour Patch Kids, Dapper Dad's favorite candy.

Thing Two: I going to save these. I going to share these with Daddy, Mommy and Bubba. (Insert about a minute of chatter, while he holds the bag.) I going to just have one, then save them for Daddy. (chomp, another minute of chatter) I going to have a green one for my second one. (chomp, chatter) I going to save the (chomp) Sour Patch Kids (gulp) for Daddy. Here a red one for you, Mommy. You like red Sour Patch Kids? (chomp) I have a yellow one for Daddy and a yellow one for me. (chomp, chomp) Here a green one for you. You have a red one and a green one. (chomp) Daddy likes yellow and orange. (chomp) This one for kitty. (chatter) I eat this one because kitty not in Mommy and Daddy's room. I eatin' it. (chomp)

Me: What are you doing?

Thing Two: I eat one more. Then I going to save for kitty, Mommy, Daddy and Bubba.

Haircut

I cut everyone's hair with a razor the other day.
Thing One (crying): I don't like this! I would rather be dying than have a haircut with that thing!

Dirty rat

The boys, holding a toy block: Can we throw this away?
Me: No. Why?
Thing One: It has a dirty rat on it.
Me: What are you talking about?
Thing Two: This (points to an outline of a mouse).
Me: No. We're not going to start throwing away toys. If we throw away the toys we won't have any toys left to play with.
Thing Two: Can we die the dirty rat with that purple thing? (Translation: Can we kill the picture of the mouse on our block with the fly swatter?)

Our Star Wars diorama

We entered a Hasbro Star Wars diorama contest (had to use only the 3-3/4" Hasbro figures and a terrain of our own making). The prize is $1,000 in Star Wars toys, but we aren't holding our breath. Here is the result:

Grillin'

While Dapper Dad and I discussed which of us should go get a foil package full of fries off the hot grill,
Thing One (to Dapper Dad): You stay in here and let Mommy go burn herself.

Robo-bath

Me (gathering towels after baths): Who has which towel?
Thing One: Mine is the frog and (Thing Two) has the duck.
Me (wrapping Thing Two in his towel): Come on, duck boy.
Thing Two: I. A. Ro. Bot. You. Call(ed). Me. Duck. Boy.

Last chance

Thing One: Last chance. Last chance to see. I'm gonna flush.

Turkey sandwich

Thing One: I want to go to Arby's and get a turkey sandwich for only five bucks!

One example of entering a conversation late

While having a discussion with Thing One about what to do if a bad person tries to trick you into getting into their car,
Me: Daddy and I will never send someone else to pick you up from any place. In an emergency, it would be someone you love in our family, like Nana or Papa or maybe Shannon. But probably just Daddy or me. We always have time to come and get you.
Thing One: It would just be you or Daddy or Nana or Papa--
Thing Two: Or Pencer (Shannon's dog). Pencer can get me on my shirt (grabs the back of his shirt).

Scared

School has started, and with it came a new earlier bedtime. No one is tired at that time, so this has turned into a two-hour-long fiasco every night so far. In an attempt to trim that down, I took the kids to run the bases at the park before bedtime. It got dark, so we ended up walking home by moonlight.

Thing Two: Mommy! Me scared!
Me: It's okay. Just stay right by me. What are you scared of?
Thing Two: I scared something get me. I scared a polar bear bite off my chocolate head or a polar bear bite off my chocolate diaper.

Bargain

A couple weeks ago, Thing One made a trade. He had a gift card at Target, and he wanted a toy from Costco. We all agreed that he could give Mom and Dad his Target card to keep and we would buy the toy at Costco. Which was fine until the very next trip to Target.

Thing One: Do I have a gift card for Target?
Me: No. You got your toy at Costco, remember?
Thing One: You could just share some of your money at Target with me.

Repurposing

Thing One got a new teddy bear this weekend. It came with a blank birth certificate so the pertinent information can be filled in by the bear's new owner. Thing One has converted it into a gift certificate for Target. He wrote his name on it, and he wrote a T for Target. Now he would like to spend his birth/gift certificate on some pajamas that have a cape, specifically the Batman pajamas that were on sale or the other Batman pajamas that weren't on sale, but any caped jammies would do. Also, it doesn't matter that Target doesn't have Batman jammies in his size. It's fine that the shirt would be too small to wear.

Wasting my life

Thing One and I picked flowers from the garden for a party this evening.
Thing One (standing in the garden while holding the vase): I'm wasting my life.
Me: What do you mean?
Thing One: I'm standing around not getting anything done.
Me: Oh.
Thing One: I'm wasting my life RIGHT NOW.

3, 1, 3, Dance!

Thing Two: Today Daddy give me time out and I say, (in a raspy, hoarse imitation of himself) "Me want to get out! Me want to get out!" Then me say, "Dance, Daddy!" but Daddy no dance. Me say, "1, 2, 3, Dance! 3, 1, 3, Dance!"

Happy accident?

Thing One (after missing with the potty): Mom! Some pee got out of the potty.
Me (with clenched teeth while grabbing a wad of toilet paper): Wellllll, that's ooookay.
Thing One (cheerily): Yes it is!

Doing his best

While painting with water, Thing Two rubbed a hole in his half-painted but locally waterlogged paper, got frustrated and pushed the paper away.
Me: You didn't paint the butterfly. It will be a pretty purple butterfly when you paint it. Do you want to finish the picture?
Thing One: Let him paint how he wants. He's doing his best.

No water

Thing Two: I want some orange juice with no water in it. I want some orange juice with no water. I want some orange juice with no water. No water. No water. No water. No water.

Bedtime thunderstorm

Thing One (after several minutes of laying in bed and discussing the storm outside, specifically the possibility of lightning hitting a tree and causing it to fall on the house): I'm worried about the lightning.
Me: Well, you don't have to worry. Let's put the monkeys around you. Here's one to sit by the window. This one can sit on the other side. And this one can snuggle with you. Everyone tucked in? Now just let them worry about the lightning and you don't have to.
Thing One: Okay. But I'm still worried about it.
Me: You are?
Thing One: Yes. The monkeys aren't real.
Me: Umm.
Thing One: How about if you worry about the lightning?
Me: Yes. Okay. I can do that. Then you don't have to. I'll look out the windows and check the trees and keep track of the lightning, and I'll worry about it.
Thing One: Okay. Just look out and worry about a tree if it falls on our house.
Me: Okay.
Thing One: You don't have to worry about a tree falling on the neighbors' house.
Me: Okay.
Thing One: Not even the neighbors who are our friends. You don't have to worry about that.

Baby toy

While leaving Target after buying a toy for my niece's new baby, Thing Two carried it to the car.
Thing Two: Me have that toy?
Me: No. It's for Missa's baby.
Thing Two: Maybe that baby save it for me.
Me: Maybe.
Thing One: Maybe the baby will give (Thing Two) ten dollars.

Take a Leaf with Me

A few weeks ago, at a birthday party Thing One hosted for two stuffed animals, he set up all the animals and Thing Two on blankets to watch an imaginary movie called "Take a Leaf with Me" on an imaginary screen (a pillow). Apparently, it was really good because everyone is watching (the pillow/movie) again today. Plot synopsis follows:

Thing One: It's about a leaf taking a person off the tree. When the leaf says, "take a leaf with me," it really means "take a person." It's a really short movie.

Little creatures

The exterminator has come to rid us of the ant problem I've been struggling with.
Thing One: Are the ants going to die?
Me: Probably.
Thing One: But they're just little creatures.

Me Joe Mauer!

At Matt's baseball game, Thing Two turned his baseball cap around and ran back and forth behind the crowd for most of the game yelling, "Me Joe Mauer! Me Joe Mauer!" The next day, he ran around behind the crowd at our neighbor's baseball game, but with his hat facing forward.

Me: Are you Joe Mauer?
Thing Two: No! Me Jason Kubel!

Phil-jester the cat

Thing One: We want to watch that show with Phil-jester.
Me: What?
Thing One: It has that yellow bird -- I don't know his name -- and that Phil-jester cat.
Me (dawning realization): Ohhhh.
Thing Two: Yay! Phil-jester!

After watching two Looney Tunes episodes,
Thing One: Now we want to watch one where the cat gets the bird.

Get on your tauntaun!

While playing Star Wars,
Thing One: Luke! Get on your tauntaun! I'm going to take you to Davanni's.

Not today

Thing One: Mom. There's blood on my finger.
Me: Oh yeah. It looks like you ripped your fingernail. Do you remember doing that -- bumping it hard on something and thinking, 'that hurt'?
Thing One: Am I gonna die? Am I gonna die?

Dazzle them with milk

Thing One: There was a guy at our school who put milk in his mouth and it came out his ear. I gotta learn how to do that.
Me: He was probably a magician, and that was a trick.
Thing One: He was bald.

Just a taste

Thing One (while making squash chips with me): Can I taste this flour?
Me: Yes.
Thing One: It's not poisoned flour?

Red herring

Dapper Dad (while looking for the TV remote): There it is! Oh, no. That's a gourd.

Giddyup

At cousin Marissa's birthday party, their family dog walked by. Thing Two marches by following the dog.
Thing Two (turning his head to me): Me ride him now?

Do today?

Thing One (after waking up in the morning): What do you want to do today?
Thing Two: Play Daddy. No play Mommy.

Protein

After I gave the boys fruit for a snack,
Thing One: Can I have some protein?
Thing Two: Me protein!

Mmm ... animals

Thing One (to his animal cracker): I'm going to dip you in chocolate and bite off your tasty head.

Catch phrase

Thing Two (any time, any place and spoken like a question): Me can't see [fill in the blank: Mommy, Daddy, Bubba, kitty, sippy cup, art table, boppy, book, fork, green light saber] anywhere!

Tough negotiator

Thing One (to Thing Two): Let's play Little People.
Thing Two: No.
Thing One: Wanna play Little People?
Thing Two: No.
Thing One: Bubba play Little People.
Thing Two: Me too!
Thing One: Get the truck and the barn!
Thing Two: Yay!

Small-market vs. large-market player

Thing One (while playing catch with himself in the living room): I play for the Red Sox. I used to play for the Twins, but I get more money now.

Be a kid

Thing One: I don't want to be a little kid anymore.
Me: Why?
Thing One: I want to be somebody to help people if they get hurt or something.

Roller coaster

After a day where the boys did almost nothing but bicker and fight and, specifically, 5 minutes after I broke up one of those arguments,

Thing One: I love (Thing Two). I really love him so much. I don't want him to die. I want him to live forever. I want everyone in the world to never die.

I think someone had help with this one

Thing One singing to himself to the tune of Simon & Garfunkel's "The Sound of Silence": Hello kitty, my old friend. You come to BLAH on us again.

Fire

Thing One: [Thing Two], if you tried to walk into a fire, I would pull you out because you could really, really die.

Thing Two: Wow!

My little boys

While Thing One helped Thing Two into his sleeper sacks for the night,
Me: You're going to make a good daddy some day.
Thing One: I hope I don't have to work when I'm a daddy so I can stay home with my little boys.

Distracted?

Dapper Dad: Thing Two, do you want powdered sugar or syrup on your pancakes?
Thing Two: Me!
Dapper Dad (disgruntled sigh): Thing One, do you want powdered sugar or syrup on your pancakes?
Thing One: Pancakes.

Concerned citizen

I made hot chocolate for the boys, and as I put the marshmallow bag away, I put a marshmallow in my mouth whole.

Thing Two: No! Choke! Bite!

(He was worried I would choke and was instructing me to take a bite)

Surprise art

Thing One (at the end of the evening after making secretive art during the afternoon): Oh! I forgot to make the word on my surprise. On my art project. My surprise, but you can't look at it.

Me: You can go ahead a write your word.

Thing One: I don't know how. How do you write "Happy Birthday, Mom"?

We spell it out in letter stickers because I'm not allowed to look at the artwork to help him.

Thing One: I'm all done with my card-- my surprise.

Thunder

While talking on the phone, I heard loud banging from the bedroom. As I go to check it out, I find Thing One standing on an upside-down laundry basket flipping the light switch on and off while Thing Two bangs on the closet doors.

Me: Get down from there! And stop that. The light switch isn't a toy.
Thing One: We're making a thunderstorm.

List

Thing Two lists the things he wants to eat: Pizza! And pahpoh (popcorn)! And amomomos (animal crackers)! And Bubba's candy! And dink (drink)! And fruit!

What would I do without you?

After tonight's bath, Thing One squirted the water out of all the bath toys, put them in their proper bin and called me in to tell me he was ready for me to get his towel for him.
Me: You're such a good helper. Thank you for helping me. I don't know what I'd do without you.
Thing One: I don't know what I'd do without YOU. Because I can't drive, and I can't make food.

You are unwise

Thing Two likes to pretend he's Darth Vader when he calls out to Luke with increasing volume, "You are unwise to lower your defenses!" It comes out more like:

"Yah weh yah weh YAH WEH!"

Singing

Thing Two likes to sing, even though the words escape him. He sings the alphabet song with the good pitch:

"A B D B D B D. D B D B D B D ..."

The orchestral theme from The Phantom Menace (the one where Darth Maul fights with his lightsaber):

"Ha ba da. Ha ba da. Ha ba da. Ha ba da."

Most recently, Baa Baa Black Sheep. And of course the Imperial March and the Star Wars theme, sung in "dun"s.

Bad day at work

Me: I think Daddy's having a bad day at work today.
Thing One: Should I go help him?
Me: No. I don't think so.
Thing One: Why? Does he like to work by himself?

Good boy

When he saw the cat batting around a plastic lemon, Thing Two gave the cat some more plastic food to play with.
Thing One: A watermelon! That's doing a good boy there!

Juice?

Thing One: Can I have some blueberry pomegranate juice?
Me: I thought you didn't like it.
Thing One: I do.
Me: I got it before, and you said you didn't like it.
Thing One: I think you got ponegranate juice before.

Whose idea?

Going over our "parts fun" for the day,
Thing One: My part fun was taking a nap!
Me (surprised): It was? Why?
Thing One: That's where I got the idea that I could beat everybody (done with supper).
Me: So, you were lying in bed and you thought you could beat everyone done with supper?
Thing One: No. The bed had the idea, and it came into my head during naptime.

Heavy

When Thing Two wants to be picked up, he puts his arms up and says, "Heavy. Heeaavvy."

Shhhhhhhhhhhh

While feeding Thing Two before bedtime.
Me (in a whisper): Good night, baby. I love you. Loooooove you.
Thing Two (stopping eating and putting a finger in front of his mouth): Shhhhhhhhhh.

Breaking windows?

Thing One: Do Santa and firemen break windows?
Me: Why would they break windows?
Thing One: To get in.
Me: I think usually they don't.
Thing One: They do sometimes?

Bedside manner

While playing doctor, Thing Two lays on a box that is supposed to be the examining table.
Thing One: You have a baby in you, and I'm going to cut your belly open with a sharp, sharp knife.

Everywhere I go at school

Thing One: At school, everywhere I go there are butt noises. And it smells like poo.

The Next President

Me: Who's going to be the next president?
Thing Two: Bama!

My Christmas present

The boys shopped with Dapper Dad to get a Christmas gift for me. After they bought it, Thing One dropped several hints over several days about what it would be. Can you guess from the hints?

1) "We got it at the store we went to after Best Buy and before Cuuuuuulvers.
2) "I don't know what that store was, but they had lots of Christmas decorations."
3) "The guys are squirting water at each other in the face."
4) "You will really love it."
5) "I'm not supposed to tell you what it is."
6) "You have to wait until Christmas to open it. Then you'll know what it is."
7) "It's an ornament."
8) "Don't tell Daddy I told you what it is."
9) "There are guys fighting on your present."
10) "You will REALLY LOVE it."

Can you guess? After opening it up, Dapper Dad said that the boys saw this gift and knew it was the one for me. There was no talking them out of it. They knew I'd love it. What is it?

Two questions

At lunch:
Thing One: Dad, I have two questions. Can I have some more sauce? And when are we going to go tot he fi-ence (science) museum again?