This not meat

Me: Eat your meat.
Thing Two: This not meat. This meatBALLS. But not meat.

Settling an argument

Dapper Dad was creating coffee and playing "Singin' in the Rain" on the iPod as the boys danced in the living room. At the end of the song in the movie, a police officer stares at Gene Kelly as he sheepishly walks away at the end of the dance. At the end of the song in our house, I heard:

Thing 2: No, Bubba, no, Bubba, NOOOOO! I not the peace-man! I not the peace-man! I not the peace-man! I am ... I am ... I am ... !

Thing 1: I'm Gene Kelly.

Thing 2: NO! I'm Gene Kelly! You the peace-man! I'm Gene Kelly!

Dapper Dad: BOYS! KNOCK IT OFF! YOU CAN BOTH BE GENE KELLY!

Candy chatter

Thing Two has a bag of Sour Patch Kids, Dapper Dad's favorite candy.

Thing Two: I going to save these. I going to share these with Daddy, Mommy and Bubba. (Insert about a minute of chatter, while he holds the bag.) I going to just have one, then save them for Daddy. (chomp, another minute of chatter) I going to have a green one for my second one. (chomp, chatter) I going to save the (chomp) Sour Patch Kids (gulp) for Daddy. Here a red one for you, Mommy. You like red Sour Patch Kids? (chomp) I have a yellow one for Daddy and a yellow one for me. (chomp, chomp) Here a green one for you. You have a red one and a green one. (chomp) Daddy likes yellow and orange. (chomp) This one for kitty. (chatter) I eat this one because kitty not in Mommy and Daddy's room. I eatin' it. (chomp)

Me: What are you doing?

Thing Two: I eat one more. Then I going to save for kitty, Mommy, Daddy and Bubba.

Haircut

I cut everyone's hair with a razor the other day.
Thing One (crying): I don't like this! I would rather be dying than have a haircut with that thing!

Dirty rat

The boys, holding a toy block: Can we throw this away?
Me: No. Why?
Thing One: It has a dirty rat on it.
Me: What are you talking about?
Thing Two: This (points to an outline of a mouse).
Me: No. We're not going to start throwing away toys. If we throw away the toys we won't have any toys left to play with.
Thing Two: Can we die the dirty rat with that purple thing? (Translation: Can we kill the picture of the mouse on our block with the fly swatter?)

Our Star Wars diorama

We entered a Hasbro Star Wars diorama contest (had to use only the 3-3/4" Hasbro figures and a terrain of our own making). The prize is $1,000 in Star Wars toys, but we aren't holding our breath. Here is the result:

Grillin'

While Dapper Dad and I discussed which of us should go get a foil package full of fries off the hot grill,
Thing One (to Dapper Dad): You stay in here and let Mommy go burn herself.

Robo-bath

Me (gathering towels after baths): Who has which towel?
Thing One: Mine is the frog and (Thing Two) has the duck.
Me (wrapping Thing Two in his towel): Come on, duck boy.
Thing Two: I. A. Ro. Bot. You. Call(ed). Me. Duck. Boy.

Last chance

Thing One: Last chance. Last chance to see. I'm gonna flush.

Turkey sandwich

Thing One: I want to go to Arby's and get a turkey sandwich for only five bucks!

One example of entering a conversation late

While having a discussion with Thing One about what to do if a bad person tries to trick you into getting into their car,
Me: Daddy and I will never send someone else to pick you up from any place. In an emergency, it would be someone you love in our family, like Nana or Papa or maybe Shannon. But probably just Daddy or me. We always have time to come and get you.
Thing One: It would just be you or Daddy or Nana or Papa--
Thing Two: Or Pencer (Shannon's dog). Pencer can get me on my shirt (grabs the back of his shirt).

Scared

School has started, and with it came a new earlier bedtime. No one is tired at that time, so this has turned into a two-hour-long fiasco every night so far. In an attempt to trim that down, I took the kids to run the bases at the park before bedtime. It got dark, so we ended up walking home by moonlight.

Thing Two: Mommy! Me scared!
Me: It's okay. Just stay right by me. What are you scared of?
Thing Two: I scared something get me. I scared a polar bear bite off my chocolate head or a polar bear bite off my chocolate diaper.

Bargain

A couple weeks ago, Thing One made a trade. He had a gift card at Target, and he wanted a toy from Costco. We all agreed that he could give Mom and Dad his Target card to keep and we would buy the toy at Costco. Which was fine until the very next trip to Target.

Thing One: Do I have a gift card for Target?
Me: No. You got your toy at Costco, remember?
Thing One: You could just share some of your money at Target with me.

Repurposing

Thing One got a new teddy bear this weekend. It came with a blank birth certificate so the pertinent information can be filled in by the bear's new owner. Thing One has converted it into a gift certificate for Target. He wrote his name on it, and he wrote a T for Target. Now he would like to spend his birth/gift certificate on some pajamas that have a cape, specifically the Batman pajamas that were on sale or the other Batman pajamas that weren't on sale, but any caped jammies would do. Also, it doesn't matter that Target doesn't have Batman jammies in his size. It's fine that the shirt would be too small to wear.

Wasting my life

Thing One and I picked flowers from the garden for a party this evening.
Thing One (standing in the garden while holding the vase): I'm wasting my life.
Me: What do you mean?
Thing One: I'm standing around not getting anything done.
Me: Oh.
Thing One: I'm wasting my life RIGHT NOW.

3, 1, 3, Dance!

Thing Two: Today Daddy give me time out and I say, (in a raspy, hoarse imitation of himself) "Me want to get out! Me want to get out!" Then me say, "Dance, Daddy!" but Daddy no dance. Me say, "1, 2, 3, Dance! 3, 1, 3, Dance!"

Happy accident?

Thing One (after missing with the potty): Mom! Some pee got out of the potty.
Me (with clenched teeth while grabbing a wad of toilet paper): Wellllll, that's ooookay.
Thing One (cheerily): Yes it is!

Doing his best

While painting with water, Thing Two rubbed a hole in his half-painted but locally waterlogged paper, got frustrated and pushed the paper away.
Me: You didn't paint the butterfly. It will be a pretty purple butterfly when you paint it. Do you want to finish the picture?
Thing One: Let him paint how he wants. He's doing his best.

No water

Thing Two: I want some orange juice with no water in it. I want some orange juice with no water. I want some orange juice with no water. No water. No water. No water. No water.

Bedtime thunderstorm

Thing One (after several minutes of laying in bed and discussing the storm outside, specifically the possibility of lightning hitting a tree and causing it to fall on the house): I'm worried about the lightning.
Me: Well, you don't have to worry. Let's put the monkeys around you. Here's one to sit by the window. This one can sit on the other side. And this one can snuggle with you. Everyone tucked in? Now just let them worry about the lightning and you don't have to.
Thing One: Okay. But I'm still worried about it.
Me: You are?
Thing One: Yes. The monkeys aren't real.
Me: Umm.
Thing One: How about if you worry about the lightning?
Me: Yes. Okay. I can do that. Then you don't have to. I'll look out the windows and check the trees and keep track of the lightning, and I'll worry about it.
Thing One: Okay. Just look out and worry about a tree if it falls on our house.
Me: Okay.
Thing One: You don't have to worry about a tree falling on the neighbors' house.
Me: Okay.
Thing One: Not even the neighbors who are our friends. You don't have to worry about that.