Dumbledore rewards everyone

Thing One (as Dumbledore, welcoming everyone to a feast in the great hall): First, I would like to reward everyone who came. (pause for applause) And I would like to reward everyone who did not come. (pause for applause) And I would like to reward everyone who has died. (pause) And I would like to reward everyone who has not been born yet.

Thing Three speaks

After a loud crash in the other room,
Thing Three: Uh oh. Kchkchkchkchk. (And signing the word for "kitty")

Reeeaaaach

Thing Two: If we turned the world upside down I could reach my toothbrush.

Sticky

Thing One (after climbing in a pine tree and getting sap on his hands): My hands are all sticky. I've used soap four times, and it's not washing off. How can I live like this?
Me: It'll come off over time.
Thing One: Well, I'm NOT going to bed like this.

Christmas wish

Thing Two: Know what I want for Christmas? A Lego Ninja set with a white ninja, black ninja, red ninja and blue ninja. And some Oompa-Loompas. And a Lego table with some Lego apples. Santa's house elves would probably have to make that, right? Because they don't make that set.

The mysteries of "Harry Potter" (or ahhh, the mysteries of love)

We've been reading Harry Potter, and now, deep into "The Order of the Phoenix," we've been analyzing every bit of evidence to figure out who is good or bad and what's really happening. Then, I overhear that the boys are doing the same thing in private:

Thing One: Lily Potter was mad at James Potter before they got married.
Thing Two: Yeah.
Thing One: Then why did they get married, right?

Harry Potter anachronisms

While playing Harry Potter Legos ...
Lucius Malfoy visits the students and eats lunch with them, while wearing his Deatheater mask. Later, Snape -- who is filling in for Lupin in Defense Against the Dark Arts class -- has to get his walkie talkie in order to be ready for parent pickup (the system they use at Thing One's school to pick up the kids).

Jobs

Overheard while the kids were coloring and discussing what jobs they could have to earn money.

Thing One: I'd pay you money to put out fires. Or to fix a roof when it gets damaged by hail. (Then a pause for some coloring and, apparently, thinking) Can you believe Dad gets money just for reading peoples' stories and fixing them?

Some caffiene

Thing One (making dialogue between Army guys): I need some coffee before I go to war.

Just a regular old bedtime

Thing Two (getting out of bed two minutes after being tucked in): I have to go to the bathroom.
Me: You just went.
(Holds his arms out)
Thing Two: Well, I have to go.
Me: Then go potty and get back in bed.
He does that.

Two minutes later ...
Thing Two (coming out of his room): My eczema patch! You forgot lotion for my eczema.
Me: Okay. (lotion lotion lotion) Now go to bed.
He does.

Two minutes later ...
Thing Two (coming out of his room): I need to blow my nose. Isn't that amazing? What's it going to be next? It's just amazing.

French toast and caramel fried bananas for supper

Thing Two: I don't want to be rude, but this French toast tastes like [unintelligible].
Me: What? Did you say it tastes like hippopotamus?
Thing Two: No! I said it tastes like DEAD hippopotamus.

Ongoing...

Thing Two (whenever he encounters a situation where cussing is appropriate, and apparently those situations come up approximately 12 times per hour): Goodness gracious crisis!

Garbage man

Thing Two (while putting a candy wrapper in my pocket): You're a garbage man! I putted a candy wrapper in your pocket.
Me: I am NOT a man.
Thing Two: Well, then you are a trashy woman.

We'll always be there for you. Unfortunately.

Thing Two, to Mom and Dapper Dad: When I'm a grown-up, will you guys be dead?
Dapper Dad, reassuringly: No.
Thing Two, disgusted/disappointed: Oh.

This one is better without context

Thing One: I don't like when Daddy drinks when he's playing Wii.

Special pockets

Thing Two (while wearing overalls): Look! These have special pockets. I can stick my hands all the way into my underwear!

Burn, baby, burn

While the boys are playing their new Batman Leapster game, the villian Firefly utters a confusing catch phrase.
Thing Two: Why does he say, "Burn, baby, burn"? Does he not like babies?
Thing One: No.
Thing Two: Does he not like his own baby?

The finish line

Thing Two (at supper): I'm eating my green beans. They're going down, down my neck.
Auntie B: You mean your throat, inside your neck?
Thing Two: Yes. They're going down my froat. My mouth is the starting line, and my butt is the finish line.

Tattle

Thing One: Mom! (Thing Two) says I'm tattling on him, but I'm not.

A wedding and a funeral

Thing Two (to Nana): One night, when Mommy and Daddy and Bubba and (Thing Three) and Kitty are sleeping, we can go to a funeral and kiss and get rings and be married!

Veterans Day

Thing Two (holding a gummy sandwich candy up for me to see): This guy is going to have a gummy after the war!

Thing One (to Thing Two, who is eating gummies): You'd better go home and get some air support and surprise your team.

(Since it's Veterans Day, they talked about veterans at kindergarten today. This prompted a discussion about whether we know any veterans and, ultimately, a battle or "war" in the living room between boys.)

Police justice

The boys like to pretend that they are police officers eating at a Mexican restaurant and that I am the server there. They also like to feed me lines, like this one:

Thing Two: Mommy, say (to me), "If you get that bad guy who's drinking alcohol and kill him, you can play Star Wars Lego Wii."

Castle birthday cake

Thing One wanted to have a Robin Hood-themed friend birthday party. I had decided to make him a castle cake with some Robin Hood figures around it because I thought that was a workable idea, but when I could only find knights-in-armor figures at the craft store, I set about changing his mind and having a knights and dragon party instead. He agreed.

We made dragon invitations out of fancy paper, drew a pin-the-tail on the dragon board and researched castle cakes online. Thing One had some definite ideas of that cake he wanted me to make. Specifically, he wanted me to make this cake:


But this cake would also be acceptable:


Since I didn't even know what materials were used to make the first cake, and the second cake would take me until his next birthday to complete, we discussed finding a backup castle cake design. No problem:


I tried to explain that a dragon cake with a full castle cake sitting in the background would actually be more difficult than making just a castle cake. So he started sketching his vision.


It took an afternoon to bake and four hours to decorate. I dropped it two hours into it, ruining a large corner and rendering part of the salvaged area lopsided, so I had to reconfigure and redecorate part of it hours before the guests arrived. It got the customary underwhelming response from the birthday boy, but it did the job.


Now that his birthday has passed, Thing One has moved on to designing his own Battle on Mustafar "Star Wars" set and describing it in detail in a letter to Santa because even though Hasbro hasn't made it yet, Santa's elves can build anything.


(Letter dictated by Thing One and transcribed by Dapper Dad. Sketches may follow.)

No talking

Thing One: Mom, he hit me really hard in my shoulder.

Me: Don't hit your brother.

Thing Two: I didn't! (To his brother) If you say that again, I'm going to punch your guts out!

Me: We don't talk like that. That's mean talk.

Thing Two: I'm not going to talk until Earth Day!

Bugs

In an attempt to calm Thing One about a gnat that was bothering him by sitting on a nearby window, I was explaining to the boys about a couple of spiders I saw at the film festival barn this past weekend.

Me: They were this big (looping my thumb and index finger), and they were just hanging around the barn the whole weekend.

Thing Two: Were they as big as tiny chickens?

And here I thought the weekend was going well...

Mommy was out of town for a weekend of cinema. She called and left a message for the boys. I thought they should hear it first, so I put the phone next to Thing 2's ear. He didn't quite understand that it was prerecorded Mommy, so he answered and responded to her voice. This is what I heard.

Thing 2: Hi ... Love you ... I not.

After Thing 1 got his turn, I listened to the message. It went like this: "Hi, boys, this is Mommy ... I love you ... and I hope you're having a fun time with Daddy."

Like his face

Thing Two: Mom, I want to tell Albert Pujols that I like his face.

Sorry shirt

Thing Two: I'm not wearing my sorry shirt. It's over there.

Blasters

The boys were playing Star Wars.

Thing One to Thing Two: Great shot, kid.
Me (being cute and quoting the movie): Don't get cocky.
Thing Two: Why did you say that?
Me: Well, that's the rest of the line. From Star Wars.
Thing Two: Cocky's not in that movie!

Wingman

Sometimes, I talk with the boys after they've gone to bed. I often bring Thing 2 up and put him in Thing 1's upper bunk so we can all talk. Thing 2 always insists on bringing one (or more) of his stuffed "guys" with him. I finally got annoyed the other night as he mulled over which "guy" to bring.

Dapper Dad: You don't need a guy.
Thing 2: Yes I do.
Dapper Dad: No, you're just going up here with Bubba and me. Why do you need a guy?
Thing 2: So I'll know someone there.

A lesson in logic

Thing One to Thing Two: Your eyes are cucumbers.
Thing Two: (Silence)
Dapper Dad, trying to help Thing Two defend himself: If his eyes were cucumbers, he wouldn't be able to see out of them.
Thing One to Thing Two: Your nose is a potato.
Thing Two: Um, um! No, I wouldn't be able to get my finger in it.

Newsroom

The boys set up a newsroom with desks for themselves this afternoon. Thing One said his name was Timmy Tim Tim, and he works at a newspaper writing stories, drawing pictures and fixing mistakes. His desk is the art table in the dining room, and his markers stand up on his desk (but they fall down every time he moves). He has a stack of paper, a baseball, and candy on his desk. Thing Two has partitioned the dining room table into a cubicle for himself, he has a cash register (which serves as a computer/typewriter), some boxes and a stack of paper. His name is Pete, and he looks at other people's work and fixes their mistakes (like Dapper Dad). My name is Violet, and I make art on the computer. My cubicle is on the other side of Pete's on the dining room table. This is how we spent the afternoon. Although, it's the first office I've worked in where some of the office workers were climbing on others' desks and chairs while doing some sort of potty dance.

Pac-Man (part 1)

Day 1: Thing One wanted to make a Pan-Man board out of paper, so Nana helped him cut out thin blue strips for the edges, yellow pellets, and of course Pac-Man, Blinky, Inky, Pinky and Sue. We play a lot of paper Pac-Man on the coffee table.

Day 2: One level of Pac-Man is not enough for Thing One. He needs to do a pink level (2) and a yellow level (3). He also needs Dapper Dad to scout out the level beyond the yellow level on the video game to see what the proper color is, should we make a fourth level. He has not been able to do this yet. Meanwhile, I regret not buying a paper punch at Target earlier in the day as I cut lots of tiny pellets for each board. We all play more paper Pac-Man, a game where the speeds of the manually operated characters are highly irregular with three-year-old and five-year-old operators. I told Thing One my idea of making a Pac-Man birthday cake for Dapper Dad's brother-in-law. Now he wants the Pac-Man cake for his birthday party. "I'm really into Pac-Man right now," he said.

Day 3: Since the boards are made of strips of paper, I had the idea that we could draw them on a bigger piece of paper, eliminating the need to rebuild the board several times during a single game. Thing One liked the idea and wanted to use my special black art board so that the levels look more like the TV version with the black background. I suggested that he work on sketches of the boards so that he is happy with the final board we make on the (relatively pricey) black board. He made five sketches that get progressively better before finishing two more final sketches of the final board. This took much of the afternoon. And of course, one board isn't enough. We must do three in the right colors, so we need to analyze and rank the boards according to difficulty so that we can color code them properly (blue, then pink, then yellow). Also, we still play a lot of paper Pac-Man.

J. J. Hardy

Thing Two (to the tune of "Luke and Leia" from Star Wars (think Luke staring at the two suns)): Jay Jay Jay Jay Jaaaaaaay Jay. Jay Jay Ha-a-a-a-a-ar-deeeeee. J. J. Haaaaar-deee Har- dee Har-ar-ar-deeeeeee. Har-ar-ar-ar-aaaaaaar-Har-ar-ar-ar-ar-deeeeee.

Baa Baa Byack Sheep

Thing Two: Baa, Baa byack sheep have you any wool? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Three bags full. One for my master and one for my Dane and one for my me and one for my little boy who lives down the lane. Baa, baa, baa, baa-- byack sheep have you any wool? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Three bags full.

Just a burrito

At nap time, as I tuck in Thing Two,
Me: I love you, boy.
Thing Two: But I'm just a burrito.

Baby Candace

Thing Two: If we have a girl, we could name her Candace (the same name as our neighbor) and then Candace would say, 'Hello, Candace," and baby Candace would say [insert screechy baby impersonation], "Hello, Candace."

Not waste my time

Thing One: Mom, can you not waste my time while I go to the bathroom?

We all had to change socks

The boys went to play at the neighbors' house yesterday. Within 3 minutes of their arrival, Thing One tells this story.

Thing One (to the neighbor lady): Today Thing Two pooed on the potty and he standed up to get toilet paper and when he standed up some poo fell off his butt onto the floor and then someone stepped in it but we didn't know who so we all had to change socks.

Needs to rest

Thing Two: Papa needs to come over and lay down on the couch and watch a movie so that he can rest and his eye will get better.

Star Wars lingo

A lot of Star Wars lingo is (mis)repeated while the boys are playing. Including these phrases, usually shouted by Thing One and echoed by Thing Two:

When someone is being chased and can't get away, Thing One: "I can't shape them! I can't shape them!" Thing Two: "I can't shape them! I can't shape them!"

When the group has completed their task, Thing One: "Mission: Assessed!" Thing Two: "Mission: Assessed!"

When I grow up

Thing Two: When I grow up, I going to have a REAL lightsaber and reach the orange juice and drive a car!

Sarcastic

On Wednesday, Thing One asked, "What is 'sarcastic?' " I explained that it is when you say something that is the opposite of what you mean, like when something bad happens and you say, "Oh, great!" The next day, I made a new cookie recipe.

Thing One: These are the worst cookies I've ever had.
Me (playing along, I thought): Yes, they are. You probably shouldn't eat any more. You should just leave them to Mom to eat. Yuck!
Thing One (sighing): Mom! I'm being sarcastic.

Other guy

When Dale and Erin were visiting,
Thing Two: Dale? Other Guy? Come here!

Dave a girl

Thing Two: Say, 'Dave a girl.'
Me: What? Dave's a girl?
Thing Two: No! Dave a guy!

The importance of the hyphen

During a cleaning session, Dapper Dad lifted the recliner and was feeling around to get toys out from under it. He inadvertently put his hand in kitty throw up. He was so grossed out that he tipped the recliner all the way over so that it was upside down so that he could hurry to run and wash his hands. That's when he spotted a long-missing Star Wars guy tangled in the underside of the recliner. During the ensuing celebration, he left the room to wash.

Thing One (to me): Wow! Daddy's a good-looking guy!
Me (to Dapper Dad): That's random. Thing One thinks you're good-looking.
Dapper Dad: I think he means that I'm a good looking guy.
Me: That does make more sense.

Thankful

Thing One: Mom? What are you thankful for?
Me: My family. You boys and Daddy.
Thing One: I'm thankful for snowmen that fight in wars.
Thing Two: I thankful that kitty not named Cow.

Rock-a-bye, Bubba

Thing Two (softly singing, while lying in bed at bedtime):
Rock-a-bye, Bubba. It time to go to sleep.
Rock-a-bye, Bubba. It time for sleep now.
Rock-a-bye, little Bubba. It time for you to shut your mouth.
Rock-a-bye, little Bubba. It time for you to sleep.
(little rock-out, jam session here) Go to sleep! Go to sleep! It bed time!
(and softly again) Rock-a-bye, little Bubba. It time to go to sleep.

Shitty blanket

Thing Two woke up Dapper Dad the other day, while kitty was laying on him.
Thing Two: Why Shitty sleep on you?
Dapper Dad: I guess Kitty is cold.
Thing Two runs out of the room and comes back with comforter from his bed.
Thing Two: Here you go, Shitty. Here a blanket for you. Shitty can lay here.

A long time ago

We came across a picture of the Lincoln Memorial in a book.
Thing Two: That guy dead?
Me: Yes. He died a long, long time ago.
Thing Two: When Daddy live with Dale?

This not meat

Me: Eat your meat.
Thing Two: This not meat. This meatBALLS. But not meat.

Settling an argument

Dapper Dad was creating coffee and playing "Singin' in the Rain" on the iPod as the boys danced in the living room. At the end of the song in the movie, a police officer stares at Gene Kelly as he sheepishly walks away at the end of the dance. At the end of the song in our house, I heard:

Thing 2: No, Bubba, no, Bubba, NOOOOO! I not the peace-man! I not the peace-man! I not the peace-man! I am ... I am ... I am ... !

Thing 1: I'm Gene Kelly.

Thing 2: NO! I'm Gene Kelly! You the peace-man! I'm Gene Kelly!

Dapper Dad: BOYS! KNOCK IT OFF! YOU CAN BOTH BE GENE KELLY!

Candy chatter

Thing Two has a bag of Sour Patch Kids, Dapper Dad's favorite candy.

Thing Two: I going to save these. I going to share these with Daddy, Mommy and Bubba. (Insert about a minute of chatter, while he holds the bag.) I going to just have one, then save them for Daddy. (chomp, another minute of chatter) I going to have a green one for my second one. (chomp, chatter) I going to save the (chomp) Sour Patch Kids (gulp) for Daddy. Here a red one for you, Mommy. You like red Sour Patch Kids? (chomp) I have a yellow one for Daddy and a yellow one for me. (chomp, chomp) Here a green one for you. You have a red one and a green one. (chomp) Daddy likes yellow and orange. (chomp) This one for kitty. (chatter) I eat this one because kitty not in Mommy and Daddy's room. I eatin' it. (chomp)

Me: What are you doing?

Thing Two: I eat one more. Then I going to save for kitty, Mommy, Daddy and Bubba.

Haircut

I cut everyone's hair with a razor the other day.
Thing One (crying): I don't like this! I would rather be dying than have a haircut with that thing!

Dirty rat

The boys, holding a toy block: Can we throw this away?
Me: No. Why?
Thing One: It has a dirty rat on it.
Me: What are you talking about?
Thing Two: This (points to an outline of a mouse).
Me: No. We're not going to start throwing away toys. If we throw away the toys we won't have any toys left to play with.
Thing Two: Can we die the dirty rat with that purple thing? (Translation: Can we kill the picture of the mouse on our block with the fly swatter?)

Our Star Wars diorama

We entered a Hasbro Star Wars diorama contest (had to use only the 3-3/4" Hasbro figures and a terrain of our own making). The prize is $1,000 in Star Wars toys, but we aren't holding our breath. Here is the result:

Grillin'

While Dapper Dad and I discussed which of us should go get a foil package full of fries off the hot grill,
Thing One (to Dapper Dad): You stay in here and let Mommy go burn herself.

Robo-bath

Me (gathering towels after baths): Who has which towel?
Thing One: Mine is the frog and (Thing Two) has the duck.
Me (wrapping Thing Two in his towel): Come on, duck boy.
Thing Two: I. A. Ro. Bot. You. Call(ed). Me. Duck. Boy.

Last chance

Thing One: Last chance. Last chance to see. I'm gonna flush.

Turkey sandwich

Thing One: I want to go to Arby's and get a turkey sandwich for only five bucks!

One example of entering a conversation late

While having a discussion with Thing One about what to do if a bad person tries to trick you into getting into their car,
Me: Daddy and I will never send someone else to pick you up from any place. In an emergency, it would be someone you love in our family, like Nana or Papa or maybe Shannon. But probably just Daddy or me. We always have time to come and get you.
Thing One: It would just be you or Daddy or Nana or Papa--
Thing Two: Or Pencer (Shannon's dog). Pencer can get me on my shirt (grabs the back of his shirt).

Scared

School has started, and with it came a new earlier bedtime. No one is tired at that time, so this has turned into a two-hour-long fiasco every night so far. In an attempt to trim that down, I took the kids to run the bases at the park before bedtime. It got dark, so we ended up walking home by moonlight.

Thing Two: Mommy! Me scared!
Me: It's okay. Just stay right by me. What are you scared of?
Thing Two: I scared something get me. I scared a polar bear bite off my chocolate head or a polar bear bite off my chocolate diaper.

Bargain

A couple weeks ago, Thing One made a trade. He had a gift card at Target, and he wanted a toy from Costco. We all agreed that he could give Mom and Dad his Target card to keep and we would buy the toy at Costco. Which was fine until the very next trip to Target.

Thing One: Do I have a gift card for Target?
Me: No. You got your toy at Costco, remember?
Thing One: You could just share some of your money at Target with me.

Repurposing

Thing One got a new teddy bear this weekend. It came with a blank birth certificate so the pertinent information can be filled in by the bear's new owner. Thing One has converted it into a gift certificate for Target. He wrote his name on it, and he wrote a T for Target. Now he would like to spend his birth/gift certificate on some pajamas that have a cape, specifically the Batman pajamas that were on sale or the other Batman pajamas that weren't on sale, but any caped jammies would do. Also, it doesn't matter that Target doesn't have Batman jammies in his size. It's fine that the shirt would be too small to wear.

Wasting my life

Thing One and I picked flowers from the garden for a party this evening.
Thing One (standing in the garden while holding the vase): I'm wasting my life.
Me: What do you mean?
Thing One: I'm standing around not getting anything done.
Me: Oh.
Thing One: I'm wasting my life RIGHT NOW.

3, 1, 3, Dance!

Thing Two: Today Daddy give me time out and I say, (in a raspy, hoarse imitation of himself) "Me want to get out! Me want to get out!" Then me say, "Dance, Daddy!" but Daddy no dance. Me say, "1, 2, 3, Dance! 3, 1, 3, Dance!"

Happy accident?

Thing One (after missing with the potty): Mom! Some pee got out of the potty.
Me (with clenched teeth while grabbing a wad of toilet paper): Wellllll, that's ooookay.
Thing One (cheerily): Yes it is!

Doing his best

While painting with water, Thing Two rubbed a hole in his half-painted but locally waterlogged paper, got frustrated and pushed the paper away.
Me: You didn't paint the butterfly. It will be a pretty purple butterfly when you paint it. Do you want to finish the picture?
Thing One: Let him paint how he wants. He's doing his best.

No water

Thing Two: I want some orange juice with no water in it. I want some orange juice with no water. I want some orange juice with no water. No water. No water. No water. No water.

Bedtime thunderstorm

Thing One (after several minutes of laying in bed and discussing the storm outside, specifically the possibility of lightning hitting a tree and causing it to fall on the house): I'm worried about the lightning.
Me: Well, you don't have to worry. Let's put the monkeys around you. Here's one to sit by the window. This one can sit on the other side. And this one can snuggle with you. Everyone tucked in? Now just let them worry about the lightning and you don't have to.
Thing One: Okay. But I'm still worried about it.
Me: You are?
Thing One: Yes. The monkeys aren't real.
Me: Umm.
Thing One: How about if you worry about the lightning?
Me: Yes. Okay. I can do that. Then you don't have to. I'll look out the windows and check the trees and keep track of the lightning, and I'll worry about it.
Thing One: Okay. Just look out and worry about a tree if it falls on our house.
Me: Okay.
Thing One: You don't have to worry about a tree falling on the neighbors' house.
Me: Okay.
Thing One: Not even the neighbors who are our friends. You don't have to worry about that.

Baby toy

While leaving Target after buying a toy for my niece's new baby, Thing Two carried it to the car.
Thing Two: Me have that toy?
Me: No. It's for Missa's baby.
Thing Two: Maybe that baby save it for me.
Me: Maybe.
Thing One: Maybe the baby will give (Thing Two) ten dollars.

Take a Leaf with Me

A few weeks ago, at a birthday party Thing One hosted for two stuffed animals, he set up all the animals and Thing Two on blankets to watch an imaginary movie called "Take a Leaf with Me" on an imaginary screen (a pillow). Apparently, it was really good because everyone is watching (the pillow/movie) again today. Plot synopsis follows:

Thing One: It's about a leaf taking a person off the tree. When the leaf says, "take a leaf with me," it really means "take a person." It's a really short movie.

Little creatures

The exterminator has come to rid us of the ant problem I've been struggling with.
Thing One: Are the ants going to die?
Me: Probably.
Thing One: But they're just little creatures.

Me Joe Mauer!

At Matt's baseball game, Thing Two turned his baseball cap around and ran back and forth behind the crowd for most of the game yelling, "Me Joe Mauer! Me Joe Mauer!" The next day, he ran around behind the crowd at our neighbor's baseball game, but with his hat facing forward.

Me: Are you Joe Mauer?
Thing Two: No! Me Jason Kubel!

Phil-jester the cat

Thing One: We want to watch that show with Phil-jester.
Me: What?
Thing One: It has that yellow bird -- I don't know his name -- and that Phil-jester cat.
Me (dawning realization): Ohhhh.
Thing Two: Yay! Phil-jester!

After watching two Looney Tunes episodes,
Thing One: Now we want to watch one where the cat gets the bird.

Get on your tauntaun!

While playing Star Wars,
Thing One: Luke! Get on your tauntaun! I'm going to take you to Davanni's.

Not today

Thing One: Mom. There's blood on my finger.
Me: Oh yeah. It looks like you ripped your fingernail. Do you remember doing that -- bumping it hard on something and thinking, 'that hurt'?
Thing One: Am I gonna die? Am I gonna die?

Dazzle them with milk

Thing One: There was a guy at our school who put milk in his mouth and it came out his ear. I gotta learn how to do that.
Me: He was probably a magician, and that was a trick.
Thing One: He was bald.

Just a taste

Thing One (while making squash chips with me): Can I taste this flour?
Me: Yes.
Thing One: It's not poisoned flour?

Red herring

Dapper Dad (while looking for the TV remote): There it is! Oh, no. That's a gourd.

Giddyup

At cousin Marissa's birthday party, their family dog walked by. Thing Two marches by following the dog.
Thing Two (turning his head to me): Me ride him now?

Do today?

Thing One (after waking up in the morning): What do you want to do today?
Thing Two: Play Daddy. No play Mommy.

Protein

After I gave the boys fruit for a snack,
Thing One: Can I have some protein?
Thing Two: Me protein!

Mmm ... animals

Thing One (to his animal cracker): I'm going to dip you in chocolate and bite off your tasty head.

Catch phrase

Thing Two (any time, any place and spoken like a question): Me can't see [fill in the blank: Mommy, Daddy, Bubba, kitty, sippy cup, art table, boppy, book, fork, green light saber] anywhere!

Tough negotiator

Thing One (to Thing Two): Let's play Little People.
Thing Two: No.
Thing One: Wanna play Little People?
Thing Two: No.
Thing One: Bubba play Little People.
Thing Two: Me too!
Thing One: Get the truck and the barn!
Thing Two: Yay!

Small-market vs. large-market player

Thing One (while playing catch with himself in the living room): I play for the Red Sox. I used to play for the Twins, but I get more money now.

Be a kid

Thing One: I don't want to be a little kid anymore.
Me: Why?
Thing One: I want to be somebody to help people if they get hurt or something.

Roller coaster

After a day where the boys did almost nothing but bicker and fight and, specifically, 5 minutes after I broke up one of those arguments,

Thing One: I love (Thing Two). I really love him so much. I don't want him to die. I want him to live forever. I want everyone in the world to never die.

I think someone had help with this one

Thing One singing to himself to the tune of Simon & Garfunkel's "The Sound of Silence": Hello kitty, my old friend. You come to BLAH on us again.

Fire

Thing One: [Thing Two], if you tried to walk into a fire, I would pull you out because you could really, really die.

Thing Two: Wow!

My little boys

While Thing One helped Thing Two into his sleeper sacks for the night,
Me: You're going to make a good daddy some day.
Thing One: I hope I don't have to work when I'm a daddy so I can stay home with my little boys.

Distracted?

Dapper Dad: Thing Two, do you want powdered sugar or syrup on your pancakes?
Thing Two: Me!
Dapper Dad (disgruntled sigh): Thing One, do you want powdered sugar or syrup on your pancakes?
Thing One: Pancakes.

Concerned citizen

I made hot chocolate for the boys, and as I put the marshmallow bag away, I put a marshmallow in my mouth whole.

Thing Two: No! Choke! Bite!

(He was worried I would choke and was instructing me to take a bite)

Surprise art

Thing One (at the end of the evening after making secretive art during the afternoon): Oh! I forgot to make the word on my surprise. On my art project. My surprise, but you can't look at it.

Me: You can go ahead a write your word.

Thing One: I don't know how. How do you write "Happy Birthday, Mom"?

We spell it out in letter stickers because I'm not allowed to look at the artwork to help him.

Thing One: I'm all done with my card-- my surprise.

Thunder

While talking on the phone, I heard loud banging from the bedroom. As I go to check it out, I find Thing One standing on an upside-down laundry basket flipping the light switch on and off while Thing Two bangs on the closet doors.

Me: Get down from there! And stop that. The light switch isn't a toy.
Thing One: We're making a thunderstorm.

List

Thing Two lists the things he wants to eat: Pizza! And pahpoh (popcorn)! And amomomos (animal crackers)! And Bubba's candy! And dink (drink)! And fruit!

What would I do without you?

After tonight's bath, Thing One squirted the water out of all the bath toys, put them in their proper bin and called me in to tell me he was ready for me to get his towel for him.
Me: You're such a good helper. Thank you for helping me. I don't know what I'd do without you.
Thing One: I don't know what I'd do without YOU. Because I can't drive, and I can't make food.

You are unwise

Thing Two likes to pretend he's Darth Vader when he calls out to Luke with increasing volume, "You are unwise to lower your defenses!" It comes out more like:

"Yah weh yah weh YAH WEH!"

Singing

Thing Two likes to sing, even though the words escape him. He sings the alphabet song with the good pitch:

"A B D B D B D. D B D B D B D ..."

The orchestral theme from The Phantom Menace (the one where Darth Maul fights with his lightsaber):

"Ha ba da. Ha ba da. Ha ba da. Ha ba da."

Most recently, Baa Baa Black Sheep. And of course the Imperial March and the Star Wars theme, sung in "dun"s.