Jobs

Overheard while the kids were coloring and discussing what jobs they could have to earn money.

Thing One: I'd pay you money to put out fires. Or to fix a roof when it gets damaged by hail. (Then a pause for some coloring and, apparently, thinking) Can you believe Dad gets money just for reading peoples' stories and fixing them?

Some caffiene

Thing One (making dialogue between Army guys): I need some coffee before I go to war.

Just a regular old bedtime

Thing Two (getting out of bed two minutes after being tucked in): I have to go to the bathroom.
Me: You just went.
(Holds his arms out)
Thing Two: Well, I have to go.
Me: Then go potty and get back in bed.
He does that.

Two minutes later ...
Thing Two (coming out of his room): My eczema patch! You forgot lotion for my eczema.
Me: Okay. (lotion lotion lotion) Now go to bed.
He does.

Two minutes later ...
Thing Two (coming out of his room): I need to blow my nose. Isn't that amazing? What's it going to be next? It's just amazing.

French toast and caramel fried bananas for supper

Thing Two: I don't want to be rude, but this French toast tastes like [unintelligible].
Me: What? Did you say it tastes like hippopotamus?
Thing Two: No! I said it tastes like DEAD hippopotamus.

Ongoing...

Thing Two (whenever he encounters a situation where cussing is appropriate, and apparently those situations come up approximately 12 times per hour): Goodness gracious crisis!

Garbage man

Thing Two (while putting a candy wrapper in my pocket): You're a garbage man! I putted a candy wrapper in your pocket.
Me: I am NOT a man.
Thing Two: Well, then you are a trashy woman.

We'll always be there for you. Unfortunately.

Thing Two, to Mom and Dapper Dad: When I'm a grown-up, will you guys be dead?
Dapper Dad, reassuringly: No.
Thing Two, disgusted/disappointed: Oh.

This one is better without context

Thing One: I don't like when Daddy drinks when he's playing Wii.

Special pockets

Thing Two (while wearing overalls): Look! These have special pockets. I can stick my hands all the way into my underwear!

Burn, baby, burn

While the boys are playing their new Batman Leapster game, the villian Firefly utters a confusing catch phrase.
Thing Two: Why does he say, "Burn, baby, burn"? Does he not like babies?
Thing One: No.
Thing Two: Does he not like his own baby?

The finish line

Thing Two (at supper): I'm eating my green beans. They're going down, down my neck.
Auntie B: You mean your throat, inside your neck?
Thing Two: Yes. They're going down my froat. My mouth is the starting line, and my butt is the finish line.

Tattle

Thing One: Mom! (Thing Two) says I'm tattling on him, but I'm not.

A wedding and a funeral

Thing Two (to Nana): One night, when Mommy and Daddy and Bubba and (Thing Three) and Kitty are sleeping, we can go to a funeral and kiss and get rings and be married!

Veterans Day

Thing Two (holding a gummy sandwich candy up for me to see): This guy is going to have a gummy after the war!

Thing One (to Thing Two, who is eating gummies): You'd better go home and get some air support and surprise your team.

(Since it's Veterans Day, they talked about veterans at kindergarten today. This prompted a discussion about whether we know any veterans and, ultimately, a battle or "war" in the living room between boys.)

Police justice

The boys like to pretend that they are police officers eating at a Mexican restaurant and that I am the server there. They also like to feed me lines, like this one:

Thing Two: Mommy, say (to me), "If you get that bad guy who's drinking alcohol and kill him, you can play Star Wars Lego Wii."

Castle birthday cake

Thing One wanted to have a Robin Hood-themed friend birthday party. I had decided to make him a castle cake with some Robin Hood figures around it because I thought that was a workable idea, but when I could only find knights-in-armor figures at the craft store, I set about changing his mind and having a knights and dragon party instead. He agreed.

We made dragon invitations out of fancy paper, drew a pin-the-tail on the dragon board and researched castle cakes online. Thing One had some definite ideas of that cake he wanted me to make. Specifically, he wanted me to make this cake:


But this cake would also be acceptable:


Since I didn't even know what materials were used to make the first cake, and the second cake would take me until his next birthday to complete, we discussed finding a backup castle cake design. No problem:


I tried to explain that a dragon cake with a full castle cake sitting in the background would actually be more difficult than making just a castle cake. So he started sketching his vision.


It took an afternoon to bake and four hours to decorate. I dropped it two hours into it, ruining a large corner and rendering part of the salvaged area lopsided, so I had to reconfigure and redecorate part of it hours before the guests arrived. It got the customary underwhelming response from the birthday boy, but it did the job.


Now that his birthday has passed, Thing One has moved on to designing his own Battle on Mustafar "Star Wars" set and describing it in detail in a letter to Santa because even though Hasbro hasn't made it yet, Santa's elves can build anything.


(Letter dictated by Thing One and transcribed by Dapper Dad. Sketches may follow.)

No talking

Thing One: Mom, he hit me really hard in my shoulder.

Me: Don't hit your brother.

Thing Two: I didn't! (To his brother) If you say that again, I'm going to punch your guts out!

Me: We don't talk like that. That's mean talk.

Thing Two: I'm not going to talk until Earth Day!

Bugs

In an attempt to calm Thing One about a gnat that was bothering him by sitting on a nearby window, I was explaining to the boys about a couple of spiders I saw at the film festival barn this past weekend.

Me: They were this big (looping my thumb and index finger), and they were just hanging around the barn the whole weekend.

Thing Two: Were they as big as tiny chickens?

And here I thought the weekend was going well...

Mommy was out of town for a weekend of cinema. She called and left a message for the boys. I thought they should hear it first, so I put the phone next to Thing 2's ear. He didn't quite understand that it was prerecorded Mommy, so he answered and responded to her voice. This is what I heard.

Thing 2: Hi ... Love you ... I not.

After Thing 1 got his turn, I listened to the message. It went like this: "Hi, boys, this is Mommy ... I love you ... and I hope you're having a fun time with Daddy."

Like his face

Thing Two: Mom, I want to tell Albert Pujols that I like his face.