Bad day at work

Me: I think Daddy's having a bad day at work today.
Thing One: Should I go help him?
Me: No. I don't think so.
Thing One: Why? Does he like to work by himself?

Good boy

When he saw the cat batting around a plastic lemon, Thing Two gave the cat some more plastic food to play with.
Thing One: A watermelon! That's doing a good boy there!

Juice?

Thing One: Can I have some blueberry pomegranate juice?
Me: I thought you didn't like it.
Thing One: I do.
Me: I got it before, and you said you didn't like it.
Thing One: I think you got ponegranate juice before.

Whose idea?

Going over our "parts fun" for the day,
Thing One: My part fun was taking a nap!
Me (surprised): It was? Why?
Thing One: That's where I got the idea that I could beat everybody (done with supper).
Me: So, you were lying in bed and you thought you could beat everyone done with supper?
Thing One: No. The bed had the idea, and it came into my head during naptime.

Heavy

When Thing Two wants to be picked up, he puts his arms up and says, "Heavy. Heeaavvy."

Shhhhhhhhhhhh

While feeding Thing Two before bedtime.
Me (in a whisper): Good night, baby. I love you. Loooooove you.
Thing Two (stopping eating and putting a finger in front of his mouth): Shhhhhhhhhh.

Breaking windows?

Thing One: Do Santa and firemen break windows?
Me: Why would they break windows?
Thing One: To get in.
Me: I think usually they don't.
Thing One: They do sometimes?

Bedside manner

While playing doctor, Thing Two lays on a box that is supposed to be the examining table.
Thing One: You have a baby in you, and I'm going to cut your belly open with a sharp, sharp knife.

Everywhere I go at school

Thing One: At school, everywhere I go there are butt noises. And it smells like poo.

The Next President

Me: Who's going to be the next president?
Thing Two: Bama!

My Christmas present

The boys shopped with Dapper Dad to get a Christmas gift for me. After they bought it, Thing One dropped several hints over several days about what it would be. Can you guess from the hints?

1) "We got it at the store we went to after Best Buy and before Cuuuuuulvers.
2) "I don't know what that store was, but they had lots of Christmas decorations."
3) "The guys are squirting water at each other in the face."
4) "You will really love it."
5) "I'm not supposed to tell you what it is."
6) "You have to wait until Christmas to open it. Then you'll know what it is."
7) "It's an ornament."
8) "Don't tell Daddy I told you what it is."
9) "There are guys fighting on your present."
10) "You will REALLY LOVE it."

Can you guess? After opening it up, Dapper Dad said that the boys saw this gift and knew it was the one for me. There was no talking them out of it. They knew I'd love it. What is it?

Two questions

At lunch:
Thing One: Dad, I have two questions. Can I have some more sauce? And when are we going to go tot he fi-ence (science) museum again?

Warning: Star Wars spoiler alert!

While playing with his Star Wars guys,
Thing One: Can Anakin fight Darth Vader?
Me: Sure.
Thing One: But Anakin IS Darth Vader!
Me: Oh. Then, I guess, no.
Thing One: We'll they're fighting now!

Bakery

Thing One and I were joking about kitty's laziness by making up things that he *does* around the house. I said that kitty got a job, works hard, makes money, pays for the house, buys all our clothes, buys all the groceries and cooks our meals.
Thing One: Yeah! And he goes to the bakery!
Me: Yes, he does.
Thing One: And buys the bacon!

Poo!

Thing Two brings a Mr. Potato Head to me while I'm sorting laundry.
Thing Two: Poo. (pronounced PEW)
I examine the boy and find no telltale stench coming from the diaper. He hands me the Mr. Potato Head and points to the door on the backside.
Thing Two: Poo.
I shake it and hear potato-head pieces rattling inside. I open the door for him.
Thing Two (excitedly): Poo!

Robots

Thing One: I need to turn everyone who hasn't died into robots.
Me: Why?
Thing One: So they'll never die. Because robots don't die. Until the metal gets old.

Dance instruction

Thing One (to Dapper Dad): You dance like a ballet person. I'm going to dance like a crazy General Grievous.

Dale's neighborhood

On vacation, we passed a house near Dale where the roof is a hyperbolic parabaloid.
Thing One (upon seeing the house): What's with that funky little house?

Bob?

Thing Two (talking about Bob the Builder): Baaaaah Badoodoo!

Bama!

Any time Barack Obama's name is mentioned on TV,
Thing Two: Bama!