A good day

After his flu shot, Thing One wouldn't take his Band-Aid off, insisting that it fall off on its own. Four days later, while on vacation,

Thing One: My Tazmanian Devil Band-Aid fell off at Dale's house! This is a good day!

When I die ...

On vacation, running up to Grandpa,

Thing One (in a sing-song voice): When I die, you'll already be died.

Urgent question

Thing One walks out of the bathroom after doing his business, wearing just his underwear and holding his pants.
Thing One: Mom? I haven't washed yet, but I'm just wondering why you can't see very, very good when you come out of the carbonite (á la Han Solo in Return of the Jedi)?

Some vice

Thing One: Mom, can you get me some vice?
Me: Why?
Thing One: I want to be vice president.

Debate

Thing One (upon learning that we were watching the presidential debate rather than the vice-presidential debate): I want to watch the other two!

Henry's new family

After telling Thing One that his friend, Henry, would be a big brother because his mommy has a baby in her belly,
Thing One: Will Henry get new parents?
Me: No. It's just like you, when we had baby Thing Two, we were still your mom and dad.
Thing One: Oh. Will Henry live in a different house?

I didn't hear you

I told the boys to pick out books to read before bedtime. But everyone got sidetracked playing baseball with Dapper Dad instead.

Thing One (while finally getting in his jammies): Mommy, when you told me to pick out books, I didn't hear you because someone hitted the ball so HARD!

(pause)

Don't tell Daddy.

Making up

There was a small scuffle in the bath over the use of some bath toys the other night. Much to my surprise, a mere three minutes later I hear:
Thing One: We're brothers, Thing Two. And we're buddies! This is so fun, Thing Two. We're having a good time!

Pledge of Allegiance

At preschool, they're learning the Pledge of Allegiance. I forgot about that until I heard this while Thing One was building a puzzle:
Thing One: I pledge allegiance to the flag from the United States to America.

New words

Thing Two learned four new words today: "apple," "bee," "please" and "butt."

Curly hair

After the second day of preschool,
Thing One: Mom, can Viviana come live with us?
Me: Who's Viviana?
Thing One: She has curly hair and she wears a ponytail, just like you.

Newspaper

While wrapping a gift in newspaper,
Thing One: Is this Daddy's newspaper?
Me: Yes.
Thing One: Is he done working on it?

Garbage lid thud

I heard the tell-tale thud of the kitchen garbage can lid. Knowing that Thing Two (18 months) was the only one in there, I checked to see what he had thrown away. It was a small piece of plastic that came from a roll of crackers. Apparently, he was done eating his crackers (he has an $18,000-dollar-a-day cracker habit) and knew where the garbage was supposed to go.

Bad-guy math

Thing One: What would happen if you have a bad guy robbing a train on a horse and behind him there was another bad guy on a horse?
Me: I don't know.
Thing One: Well, he wouldn't shoot the other guy because they're both bad guys.
Apparently, two bad guys cancel each other out, dangerwise.

Me!

While picking up a Darth Vader toy out of the Star Wars bin,
Thing Two: Me! (to the Imperial Theme from Star Wars) Dun dun dun dun da-dun dun da-dun.

Grendering

Thing One: Next time we make tacos, can I grender the cheese?

Civil engineering

Thing One built an elaborate train track around the floor of his room. He gave Dapper Dad the tour of it, including an explanation for several open spaces for Thing Two to sit among the track and play without knocking the track apart.
Thing One: ... and these are butt holes for Thing Two.

Making money

At our favorite coffee shop, they have candy machines that take quarters. Naturally, Thing One needs to spend quarters at the machines because his friend gets to. After Auntie gave Thing One a dollar for making change,

Thing One (handing the dollar to the barista behind the counter): I need four dollars.

Me!

At supper,
Thing One: Who wants to eat broccoli?
Thing Two (raising his hand): Me!
Me: Me!
Thing One coughs with a tiny bite of salt-covered broccoli in his mouth.
Thing One: Who wants to choke on salt?
Thing Two (raising his hand): Me!

See my vest?

Me: Is there anything you want me to knit for you?
Thing One: Five vests.
Me: Would you actually wear a vest if I made one?
Thing One: What do you do with a vest?