Grillin'

While Dapper Dad and I discussed which of us should go get a foil package full of fries off the hot grill,
Thing One (to Dapper Dad): You stay in here and let Mommy go burn herself.

Robo-bath

Me (gathering towels after baths): Who has which towel?
Thing One: Mine is the frog and (Thing Two) has the duck.
Me (wrapping Thing Two in his towel): Come on, duck boy.
Thing Two: I. A. Ro. Bot. You. Call(ed). Me. Duck. Boy.

Last chance

Thing One: Last chance. Last chance to see. I'm gonna flush.

Turkey sandwich

Thing One: I want to go to Arby's and get a turkey sandwich for only five bucks!

One example of entering a conversation late

While having a discussion with Thing One about what to do if a bad person tries to trick you into getting into their car,
Me: Daddy and I will never send someone else to pick you up from any place. In an emergency, it would be someone you love in our family, like Nana or Papa or maybe Shannon. But probably just Daddy or me. We always have time to come and get you.
Thing One: It would just be you or Daddy or Nana or Papa--
Thing Two: Or Pencer (Shannon's dog). Pencer can get me on my shirt (grabs the back of his shirt).

Scared

School has started, and with it came a new earlier bedtime. No one is tired at that time, so this has turned into a two-hour-long fiasco every night so far. In an attempt to trim that down, I took the kids to run the bases at the park before bedtime. It got dark, so we ended up walking home by moonlight.

Thing Two: Mommy! Me scared!
Me: It's okay. Just stay right by me. What are you scared of?
Thing Two: I scared something get me. I scared a polar bear bite off my chocolate head or a polar bear bite off my chocolate diaper.

Bargain

A couple weeks ago, Thing One made a trade. He had a gift card at Target, and he wanted a toy from Costco. We all agreed that he could give Mom and Dad his Target card to keep and we would buy the toy at Costco. Which was fine until the very next trip to Target.

Thing One: Do I have a gift card for Target?
Me: No. You got your toy at Costco, remember?
Thing One: You could just share some of your money at Target with me.

Repurposing

Thing One got a new teddy bear this weekend. It came with a blank birth certificate so the pertinent information can be filled in by the bear's new owner. Thing One has converted it into a gift certificate for Target. He wrote his name on it, and he wrote a T for Target. Now he would like to spend his birth/gift certificate on some pajamas that have a cape, specifically the Batman pajamas that were on sale or the other Batman pajamas that weren't on sale, but any caped jammies would do. Also, it doesn't matter that Target doesn't have Batman jammies in his size. It's fine that the shirt would be too small to wear.

Wasting my life

Thing One and I picked flowers from the garden for a party this evening.
Thing One (standing in the garden while holding the vase): I'm wasting my life.
Me: What do you mean?
Thing One: I'm standing around not getting anything done.
Me: Oh.
Thing One: I'm wasting my life RIGHT NOW.

3, 1, 3, Dance!

Thing Two: Today Daddy give me time out and I say, (in a raspy, hoarse imitation of himself) "Me want to get out! Me want to get out!" Then me say, "Dance, Daddy!" but Daddy no dance. Me say, "1, 2, 3, Dance! 3, 1, 3, Dance!"

Happy accident?

Thing One (after missing with the potty): Mom! Some pee got out of the potty.
Me (with clenched teeth while grabbing a wad of toilet paper): Wellllll, that's ooookay.
Thing One (cheerily): Yes it is!

Doing his best

While painting with water, Thing Two rubbed a hole in his half-painted but locally waterlogged paper, got frustrated and pushed the paper away.
Me: You didn't paint the butterfly. It will be a pretty purple butterfly when you paint it. Do you want to finish the picture?
Thing One: Let him paint how he wants. He's doing his best.

No water

Thing Two: I want some orange juice with no water in it. I want some orange juice with no water. I want some orange juice with no water. No water. No water. No water. No water.

Bedtime thunderstorm

Thing One (after several minutes of laying in bed and discussing the storm outside, specifically the possibility of lightning hitting a tree and causing it to fall on the house): I'm worried about the lightning.
Me: Well, you don't have to worry. Let's put the monkeys around you. Here's one to sit by the window. This one can sit on the other side. And this one can snuggle with you. Everyone tucked in? Now just let them worry about the lightning and you don't have to.
Thing One: Okay. But I'm still worried about it.
Me: You are?
Thing One: Yes. The monkeys aren't real.
Me: Umm.
Thing One: How about if you worry about the lightning?
Me: Yes. Okay. I can do that. Then you don't have to. I'll look out the windows and check the trees and keep track of the lightning, and I'll worry about it.
Thing One: Okay. Just look out and worry about a tree if it falls on our house.
Me: Okay.
Thing One: You don't have to worry about a tree falling on the neighbors' house.
Me: Okay.
Thing One: Not even the neighbors who are our friends. You don't have to worry about that.

Baby toy

While leaving Target after buying a toy for my niece's new baby, Thing Two carried it to the car.
Thing Two: Me have that toy?
Me: No. It's for Missa's baby.
Thing Two: Maybe that baby save it for me.
Me: Maybe.
Thing One: Maybe the baby will give (Thing Two) ten dollars.

Take a Leaf with Me

A few weeks ago, at a birthday party Thing One hosted for two stuffed animals, he set up all the animals and Thing Two on blankets to watch an imaginary movie called "Take a Leaf with Me" on an imaginary screen (a pillow). Apparently, it was really good because everyone is watching (the pillow/movie) again today. Plot synopsis follows:

Thing One: It's about a leaf taking a person off the tree. When the leaf says, "take a leaf with me," it really means "take a person." It's a really short movie.

Little creatures

The exterminator has come to rid us of the ant problem I've been struggling with.
Thing One: Are the ants going to die?
Me: Probably.
Thing One: But they're just little creatures.

Me Joe Mauer!

At Matt's baseball game, Thing Two turned his baseball cap around and ran back and forth behind the crowd for most of the game yelling, "Me Joe Mauer! Me Joe Mauer!" The next day, he ran around behind the crowd at our neighbor's baseball game, but with his hat facing forward.

Me: Are you Joe Mauer?
Thing Two: No! Me Jason Kubel!

Phil-jester the cat

Thing One: We want to watch that show with Phil-jester.
Me: What?
Thing One: It has that yellow bird -- I don't know his name -- and that Phil-jester cat.
Me (dawning realization): Ohhhh.
Thing Two: Yay! Phil-jester!

After watching two Looney Tunes episodes,
Thing One: Now we want to watch one where the cat gets the bird.

Get on your tauntaun!

While playing Star Wars,
Thing One: Luke! Get on your tauntaun! I'm going to take you to Davanni's.