Repurposing

Thing One got a new teddy bear this weekend. It came with a blank birth certificate so the pertinent information can be filled in by the bear's new owner. Thing One has converted it into a gift certificate for Target. He wrote his name on it, and he wrote a T for Target. Now he would like to spend his birth/gift certificate on some pajamas that have a cape, specifically the Batman pajamas that were on sale or the other Batman pajamas that weren't on sale, but any caped jammies would do. Also, it doesn't matter that Target doesn't have Batman jammies in his size. It's fine that the shirt would be too small to wear.

Wasting my life

Thing One and I picked flowers from the garden for a party this evening.
Thing One (standing in the garden while holding the vase): I'm wasting my life.
Me: What do you mean?
Thing One: I'm standing around not getting anything done.
Me: Oh.
Thing One: I'm wasting my life RIGHT NOW.

3, 1, 3, Dance!

Thing Two: Today Daddy give me time out and I say, (in a raspy, hoarse imitation of himself) "Me want to get out! Me want to get out!" Then me say, "Dance, Daddy!" but Daddy no dance. Me say, "1, 2, 3, Dance! 3, 1, 3, Dance!"

Happy accident?

Thing One (after missing with the potty): Mom! Some pee got out of the potty.
Me (with clenched teeth while grabbing a wad of toilet paper): Wellllll, that's ooookay.
Thing One (cheerily): Yes it is!

Doing his best

While painting with water, Thing Two rubbed a hole in his half-painted but locally waterlogged paper, got frustrated and pushed the paper away.
Me: You didn't paint the butterfly. It will be a pretty purple butterfly when you paint it. Do you want to finish the picture?
Thing One: Let him paint how he wants. He's doing his best.

No water

Thing Two: I want some orange juice with no water in it. I want some orange juice with no water. I want some orange juice with no water. No water. No water. No water. No water.

Bedtime thunderstorm

Thing One (after several minutes of laying in bed and discussing the storm outside, specifically the possibility of lightning hitting a tree and causing it to fall on the house): I'm worried about the lightning.
Me: Well, you don't have to worry. Let's put the monkeys around you. Here's one to sit by the window. This one can sit on the other side. And this one can snuggle with you. Everyone tucked in? Now just let them worry about the lightning and you don't have to.
Thing One: Okay. But I'm still worried about it.
Me: You are?
Thing One: Yes. The monkeys aren't real.
Me: Umm.
Thing One: How about if you worry about the lightning?
Me: Yes. Okay. I can do that. Then you don't have to. I'll look out the windows and check the trees and keep track of the lightning, and I'll worry about it.
Thing One: Okay. Just look out and worry about a tree if it falls on our house.
Me: Okay.
Thing One: You don't have to worry about a tree falling on the neighbors' house.
Me: Okay.
Thing One: Not even the neighbors who are our friends. You don't have to worry about that.

Baby toy

While leaving Target after buying a toy for my niece's new baby, Thing Two carried it to the car.
Thing Two: Me have that toy?
Me: No. It's for Missa's baby.
Thing Two: Maybe that baby save it for me.
Me: Maybe.
Thing One: Maybe the baby will give (Thing Two) ten dollars.

Take a Leaf with Me

A few weeks ago, at a birthday party Thing One hosted for two stuffed animals, he set up all the animals and Thing Two on blankets to watch an imaginary movie called "Take a Leaf with Me" on an imaginary screen (a pillow). Apparently, it was really good because everyone is watching (the pillow/movie) again today. Plot synopsis follows:

Thing One: It's about a leaf taking a person off the tree. When the leaf says, "take a leaf with me," it really means "take a person." It's a really short movie.

Little creatures

The exterminator has come to rid us of the ant problem I've been struggling with.
Thing One: Are the ants going to die?
Me: Probably.
Thing One: But they're just little creatures.

Me Joe Mauer!

At Matt's baseball game, Thing Two turned his baseball cap around and ran back and forth behind the crowd for most of the game yelling, "Me Joe Mauer! Me Joe Mauer!" The next day, he ran around behind the crowd at our neighbor's baseball game, but with his hat facing forward.

Me: Are you Joe Mauer?
Thing Two: No! Me Jason Kubel!

Phil-jester the cat

Thing One: We want to watch that show with Phil-jester.
Me: What?
Thing One: It has that yellow bird -- I don't know his name -- and that Phil-jester cat.
Me (dawning realization): Ohhhh.
Thing Two: Yay! Phil-jester!

After watching two Looney Tunes episodes,
Thing One: Now we want to watch one where the cat gets the bird.

Get on your tauntaun!

While playing Star Wars,
Thing One: Luke! Get on your tauntaun! I'm going to take you to Davanni's.

Not today

Thing One: Mom. There's blood on my finger.
Me: Oh yeah. It looks like you ripped your fingernail. Do you remember doing that -- bumping it hard on something and thinking, 'that hurt'?
Thing One: Am I gonna die? Am I gonna die?

Dazzle them with milk

Thing One: There was a guy at our school who put milk in his mouth and it came out his ear. I gotta learn how to do that.
Me: He was probably a magician, and that was a trick.
Thing One: He was bald.

Just a taste

Thing One (while making squash chips with me): Can I taste this flour?
Me: Yes.
Thing One: It's not poisoned flour?

Red herring

Dapper Dad (while looking for the TV remote): There it is! Oh, no. That's a gourd.

Giddyup

At cousin Marissa's birthday party, their family dog walked by. Thing Two marches by following the dog.
Thing Two (turning his head to me): Me ride him now?

Do today?

Thing One (after waking up in the morning): What do you want to do today?
Thing Two: Play Daddy. No play Mommy.

Protein

After I gave the boys fruit for a snack,
Thing One: Can I have some protein?
Thing Two: Me protein!