Baby toy

While leaving Target after buying a toy for my niece's new baby, Thing Two carried it to the car.
Thing Two: Me have that toy?
Me: No. It's for Missa's baby.
Thing Two: Maybe that baby save it for me.
Me: Maybe.
Thing One: Maybe the baby will give (Thing Two) ten dollars.

Take a Leaf with Me

A few weeks ago, at a birthday party Thing One hosted for two stuffed animals, he set up all the animals and Thing Two on blankets to watch an imaginary movie called "Take a Leaf with Me" on an imaginary screen (a pillow). Apparently, it was really good because everyone is watching (the pillow/movie) again today. Plot synopsis follows:

Thing One: It's about a leaf taking a person off the tree. When the leaf says, "take a leaf with me," it really means "take a person." It's a really short movie.

Little creatures

The exterminator has come to rid us of the ant problem I've been struggling with.
Thing One: Are the ants going to die?
Me: Probably.
Thing One: But they're just little creatures.

Me Joe Mauer!

At Matt's baseball game, Thing Two turned his baseball cap around and ran back and forth behind the crowd for most of the game yelling, "Me Joe Mauer! Me Joe Mauer!" The next day, he ran around behind the crowd at our neighbor's baseball game, but with his hat facing forward.

Me: Are you Joe Mauer?
Thing Two: No! Me Jason Kubel!

Phil-jester the cat

Thing One: We want to watch that show with Phil-jester.
Me: What?
Thing One: It has that yellow bird -- I don't know his name -- and that Phil-jester cat.
Me (dawning realization): Ohhhh.
Thing Two: Yay! Phil-jester!

After watching two Looney Tunes episodes,
Thing One: Now we want to watch one where the cat gets the bird.

Get on your tauntaun!

While playing Star Wars,
Thing One: Luke! Get on your tauntaun! I'm going to take you to Davanni's.

Not today

Thing One: Mom. There's blood on my finger.
Me: Oh yeah. It looks like you ripped your fingernail. Do you remember doing that -- bumping it hard on something and thinking, 'that hurt'?
Thing One: Am I gonna die? Am I gonna die?

Dazzle them with milk

Thing One: There was a guy at our school who put milk in his mouth and it came out his ear. I gotta learn how to do that.
Me: He was probably a magician, and that was a trick.
Thing One: He was bald.

Just a taste

Thing One (while making squash chips with me): Can I taste this flour?
Me: Yes.
Thing One: It's not poisoned flour?

Red herring

Dapper Dad (while looking for the TV remote): There it is! Oh, no. That's a gourd.

Giddyup

At cousin Marissa's birthday party, their family dog walked by. Thing Two marches by following the dog.
Thing Two (turning his head to me): Me ride him now?

Do today?

Thing One (after waking up in the morning): What do you want to do today?
Thing Two: Play Daddy. No play Mommy.

Protein

After I gave the boys fruit for a snack,
Thing One: Can I have some protein?
Thing Two: Me protein!

Mmm ... animals

Thing One (to his animal cracker): I'm going to dip you in chocolate and bite off your tasty head.

Catch phrase

Thing Two (any time, any place and spoken like a question): Me can't see [fill in the blank: Mommy, Daddy, Bubba, kitty, sippy cup, art table, boppy, book, fork, green light saber] anywhere!

Tough negotiator

Thing One (to Thing Two): Let's play Little People.
Thing Two: No.
Thing One: Wanna play Little People?
Thing Two: No.
Thing One: Bubba play Little People.
Thing Two: Me too!
Thing One: Get the truck and the barn!
Thing Two: Yay!

Small-market vs. large-market player

Thing One (while playing catch with himself in the living room): I play for the Red Sox. I used to play for the Twins, but I get more money now.

Be a kid

Thing One: I don't want to be a little kid anymore.
Me: Why?
Thing One: I want to be somebody to help people if they get hurt or something.

Roller coaster

After a day where the boys did almost nothing but bicker and fight and, specifically, 5 minutes after I broke up one of those arguments,

Thing One: I love (Thing Two). I really love him so much. I don't want him to die. I want him to live forever. I want everyone in the world to never die.

I think someone had help with this one

Thing One singing to himself to the tune of Simon & Garfunkel's "The Sound of Silence": Hello kitty, my old friend. You come to BLAH on us again.