Dazzle them with milk

Thing One: There was a guy at our school who put milk in his mouth and it came out his ear. I gotta learn how to do that.
Me: He was probably a magician, and that was a trick.
Thing One: He was bald.

Just a taste

Thing One (while making squash chips with me): Can I taste this flour?
Me: Yes.
Thing One: It's not poisoned flour?

Red herring

Dapper Dad (while looking for the TV remote): There it is! Oh, no. That's a gourd.

Giddyup

At cousin Marissa's birthday party, their family dog walked by. Thing Two marches by following the dog.
Thing Two (turning his head to me): Me ride him now?

Do today?

Thing One (after waking up in the morning): What do you want to do today?
Thing Two: Play Daddy. No play Mommy.

Protein

After I gave the boys fruit for a snack,
Thing One: Can I have some protein?
Thing Two: Me protein!

Mmm ... animals

Thing One (to his animal cracker): I'm going to dip you in chocolate and bite off your tasty head.

Catch phrase

Thing Two (any time, any place and spoken like a question): Me can't see [fill in the blank: Mommy, Daddy, Bubba, kitty, sippy cup, art table, boppy, book, fork, green light saber] anywhere!

Tough negotiator

Thing One (to Thing Two): Let's play Little People.
Thing Two: No.
Thing One: Wanna play Little People?
Thing Two: No.
Thing One: Bubba play Little People.
Thing Two: Me too!
Thing One: Get the truck and the barn!
Thing Two: Yay!

Small-market vs. large-market player

Thing One (while playing catch with himself in the living room): I play for the Red Sox. I used to play for the Twins, but I get more money now.

Be a kid

Thing One: I don't want to be a little kid anymore.
Me: Why?
Thing One: I want to be somebody to help people if they get hurt or something.

Roller coaster

After a day where the boys did almost nothing but bicker and fight and, specifically, 5 minutes after I broke up one of those arguments,

Thing One: I love (Thing Two). I really love him so much. I don't want him to die. I want him to live forever. I want everyone in the world to never die.

I think someone had help with this one

Thing One singing to himself to the tune of Simon & Garfunkel's "The Sound of Silence": Hello kitty, my old friend. You come to BLAH on us again.

Fire

Thing One: [Thing Two], if you tried to walk into a fire, I would pull you out because you could really, really die.

Thing Two: Wow!

My little boys

While Thing One helped Thing Two into his sleeper sacks for the night,
Me: You're going to make a good daddy some day.
Thing One: I hope I don't have to work when I'm a daddy so I can stay home with my little boys.

Distracted?

Dapper Dad: Thing Two, do you want powdered sugar or syrup on your pancakes?
Thing Two: Me!
Dapper Dad (disgruntled sigh): Thing One, do you want powdered sugar or syrup on your pancakes?
Thing One: Pancakes.

Concerned citizen

I made hot chocolate for the boys, and as I put the marshmallow bag away, I put a marshmallow in my mouth whole.

Thing Two: No! Choke! Bite!

(He was worried I would choke and was instructing me to take a bite)

Surprise art

Thing One (at the end of the evening after making secretive art during the afternoon): Oh! I forgot to make the word on my surprise. On my art project. My surprise, but you can't look at it.

Me: You can go ahead a write your word.

Thing One: I don't know how. How do you write "Happy Birthday, Mom"?

We spell it out in letter stickers because I'm not allowed to look at the artwork to help him.

Thing One: I'm all done with my card-- my surprise.

Thunder

While talking on the phone, I heard loud banging from the bedroom. As I go to check it out, I find Thing One standing on an upside-down laundry basket flipping the light switch on and off while Thing Two bangs on the closet doors.

Me: Get down from there! And stop that. The light switch isn't a toy.
Thing One: We're making a thunderstorm.

List

Thing Two lists the things he wants to eat: Pizza! And pahpoh (popcorn)! And amomomos (animal crackers)! And Bubba's candy! And dink (drink)! And fruit!