Bakery

Thing One and I were joking about kitty's laziness by making up things that he *does* around the house. I said that kitty got a job, works hard, makes money, pays for the house, buys all our clothes, buys all the groceries and cooks our meals.
Thing One: Yeah! And he goes to the bakery!
Me: Yes, he does.
Thing One: And buys the bacon!

Poo!

Thing Two brings a Mr. Potato Head to me while I'm sorting laundry.
Thing Two: Poo. (pronounced PEW)
I examine the boy and find no telltale stench coming from the diaper. He hands me the Mr. Potato Head and points to the door on the backside.
Thing Two: Poo.
I shake it and hear potato-head pieces rattling inside. I open the door for him.
Thing Two (excitedly): Poo!

Robots

Thing One: I need to turn everyone who hasn't died into robots.
Me: Why?
Thing One: So they'll never die. Because robots don't die. Until the metal gets old.

Dance instruction

Thing One (to Dapper Dad): You dance like a ballet person. I'm going to dance like a crazy General Grievous.

Dale's neighborhood

On vacation, we passed a house near Dale where the roof is a hyperbolic parabaloid.
Thing One (upon seeing the house): What's with that funky little house?

Bob?

Thing Two (talking about Bob the Builder): Baaaaah Badoodoo!

Bama!

Any time Barack Obama's name is mentioned on TV,
Thing Two: Bama!

Your president

Me: Barack Obama is going to be your president.
Thing One: Not mine.
Me: Who's going to be your president?
Thing One: John McCain!

Election!

Thing One (to me): Are you going to cry because you're so happy?
Me: Maybe a little bit.
Thing One: Yes!

Christmas list

I asked Thing One if there was anything he wanted for Christmas (we had to know for a family drawing). After a few seconds of careful consideration,
Thing One: A laundry basket. Paper.
Me: Paper? Like, to color on?
Thing One: Yes. A little toyhouse.
Me: Like in Goodnight, Moon?
Thing One: Yes. And a new coffee cup. For you!

Election

Thing One: I want to be vice president.
Me: Well, how are you going to get started?
Thing One: You can get started for me.
Me: How will I do that?
Thing One: You get a microphone. And then we can turn the light on outside so that people will come. We could call Nana and Papa to come.
Me: What will you do when the people come?
Thing One: They could vote in here. We could live at Nana and Papa's house.
Me: Why would we live at Nana and Papa's house?
Thing One: So that people could vote here.

Going to work

Dapper Dad is back at work after a long vacation.
Thing One (to me): Do you know why I go downstairs all the time?
Me: No.
Thing One: I want to go to work with Daddy every day. That way I wouldn't have to call him all the time.
Me: What would you do at work with Daddy?
Thing One: I'd stand next to him, and we'd have fun together.

A good day

After his flu shot, Thing One wouldn't take his Band-Aid off, insisting that it fall off on its own. Four days later, while on vacation,

Thing One: My Tazmanian Devil Band-Aid fell off at Dale's house! This is a good day!

When I die ...

On vacation, running up to Grandpa,

Thing One (in a sing-song voice): When I die, you'll already be died.

Urgent question

Thing One walks out of the bathroom after doing his business, wearing just his underwear and holding his pants.
Thing One: Mom? I haven't washed yet, but I'm just wondering why you can't see very, very good when you come out of the carbonite (á la Han Solo in Return of the Jedi)?

Some vice

Thing One: Mom, can you get me some vice?
Me: Why?
Thing One: I want to be vice president.

Debate

Thing One (upon learning that we were watching the presidential debate rather than the vice-presidential debate): I want to watch the other two!

Henry's new family

After telling Thing One that his friend, Henry, would be a big brother because his mommy has a baby in her belly,
Thing One: Will Henry get new parents?
Me: No. It's just like you, when we had baby Thing Two, we were still your mom and dad.
Thing One: Oh. Will Henry live in a different house?

I didn't hear you

I told the boys to pick out books to read before bedtime. But everyone got sidetracked playing baseball with Dapper Dad instead.

Thing One (while finally getting in his jammies): Mommy, when you told me to pick out books, I didn't hear you because someone hitted the ball so HARD!

(pause)

Don't tell Daddy.

Making up

There was a small scuffle in the bath over the use of some bath toys the other night. Much to my surprise, a mere three minutes later I hear:
Thing One: We're brothers, Thing Two. And we're buddies! This is so fun, Thing Two. We're having a good time!